Parenting has never been more challenging than it is today. In the panorama of school shootings, anti-vaccine conspiracies, and the dismantling of the Board of Education, parents are navigating a minefield. One danger that escapes notice, sometimes, is ourselves. As adults, we have an enormous capacity to harm children. We also have the enormous capacity to love, heal, and support them.

A particular subgroup of children who may constantly find themselves in harm’s way or unsafe situations are trans kids. Transgender and gender diverse children often face discrimination first at home. 

My name is Brendan Yukins and I am a licensed clinical social worker and certified sex therapist. I am in the business of helping families support their trans kids, and in this article I’m going to be sharing how you can show up for the trans and gender diverse youth in your life. 

Please note, I will be referring to “trans kids” as an umbrella term for all gender-diverse minors. 

How to Keep Your Fear From Blocking the Love Trans Kids Need

Often acting on fear, parents of trans kids will restrict their gender expression, insist on using a name or pronouns that don't match a kid’s gender identity, or block their child from gender-affirming care. I have seen these scenarios play out in family systems. The consequences are disastrous.  When I worked as a SASS clinician (Screening, Assessment, and Social Services), I responded to mental health crises on the North and West sides of Chicago. This included psychosis, suicide attempts, and self-harm. About 50-70% of my caseload at any given time were sexual minorities or gender-diverse children. These included nonbinary, transgender, gender nonconforming, agender, softboi, queer, gay, lesbian, bisexual, pansexual, asexual, greyscale, and demisexual children and teenagers. LGBTQIA+ youth constitute 40% of all homeless youth. 

For many children and teens, running away can seem like a better option than being abused at home for their identity. Or, as one social worker I worked with said, “they don’t run away, we cast them out.”

I continue this work today. Not every family I work with mistreats their trans kid. I’ve seen parents defend their kids, advocate with school administration, and accompany them through gender-affirming care. Grandparents would show their support by buying rainbow-themed merch; older siblings were often their fiercest ally. The common thread among these people was the choice to put their trans or gender diverse child first. This means attempting to provide the safety that only siding with your child against the world can bring. 

Quite literally, when trans kids turn on the news (or, really, scroll through it on their phone), they are denigrated by adults in suits and ties. These adults, according to news outlets, deserve for their transphobic opinions to be broadcast across the airwaves. When an adult conveys hatred towards a child, it is our responsibility to stop them mid-sentence and challenge them directly. Kids are still world-building—this is their first time doing this!—and when hatred toward them goes unchecked, they absorb it quickly and begin to believe:

• 1. People hate me.
• 2. No one is standing up for me, so the hate must be justified.
• 3. I am hated because of who I am.

As adults, it is our responsibility to reaffirm:

• 1. You are loved.
• 2. That person is not acting right.
• 3. I love you because of who and what you are.

Gender-affirming care is not just for medical professionals. When we treat children with respect, we are teaching them how to respect themselves and others. Every kind word or action that you give to a child will eventually be repeated tenfold. So have fun with them! Teach them how to care for each other. Always make sure they eat a good meal. Affirming their gender allows them to accept themselves and others exactly as they are. What a fabulous lesson to teach your kid!

Here are some common questions about having a trans or gender-diverse kids I’ve gotten from parents and caregivers:

How do I respond to my kid coming out?

Make time to check in with them. Most kids wait until they know it’s safe before they share. Let them take their time, never force an outing. And once you have the information, respect their confidence and don’t share it with anyone else until they tell you they’re ready.

When sharing, if they seem nervous or upset, you can help them regulate by sitting down with them and giving them a pillow to squeeze. Validate whatever feelings may come up. Some kids may come out in passing, for example expressing that they like it when adults mistake them for another gender. Be positive in your response. Trans kids, depending on their age, may already have an understanding of transphobia. Reassure them you will always try to be on their side.

What do you call non-trans people?

Cis or cisgender.

Are they too young to be trans?

Kids start forming their gender identity as soon as they start defining the roles of gender. Trans people I’ve worked with report feeling their gender difference as young as 6 years old. The research tells us that children actually develop a self-perceived gender identity other than the one they were assigned at birth as young as 3-4.

My kid says they don’t feel cisgender, but are not sure what gender they are.

Gender is a journey! There are as many gender expressions as there are people on this planet. It can take a lifetime to figure out your gender identity, if that’s even important to you. Gender isn’t even fixed in adulthood. You should have seen how I dressed in college! Let them know you will try to check in every so often to see what pronouns and name feel right.

What if my kid wants to medically transition?

Medical transition for minors needs parental approval and support. It’s our responsibility as adults to keep humility and respect. They rely on you completely for medical care. Doctors sometimes ignore kid’s autonomy. So speak up! Your kid deserves someone in their corner, especially in such a physically vulnerable setting.

All people can experience gender euphoria and dysphoria, regardless if they’re cis or trans. In fact, the majority of gender-affirming medical care for minors is breast reductions for cisgender boys. Botox, lip filler, jawline reconstruction, boob jobs, weight loss, circumcision, facelifts, and steroids are sought after by cis people all the time without question.

What if they regret it?

Regret among trans people who seek medical intervention is incredibly rare. Teens who medically transition report high satisfaction rates, with only 4% reporting regret. For those that do report regret, it is often about how they medically transitioned (i.e. starting blockers before hormones), not the decision to medically transition at all.

(as a small example of how insidious transphobia can be, the link to this article titled, “New research finds trans teens have high satisfaction with gender care,” is abbreviated to read “https://www.npr.org…/trans-kids-regret-gender-affirming-care”). 

Kids may or may not want medical transition. Medical transition does not define trans or gender diverse identity, but it can be a helpful option for gender diverse children and teens navigating puberty. Based on your state, you may need a letter from a medical health provider with a Gender Dysphoria diagnosis. I write these letters often for clients seeking care. If your current provider refuses to write you a letter, you have the option to seek a second opinion. There is no such thing as a “disqualifying” letter from a mental health professional.

How can I explore gender with my kids?

Gender expression and exploration is best done through play! You can play dress-up with young kids and establish it’s ok to wear clothing of all genders. It’s important to give kids autonomy in their hair coloring & style. When a store separates clothing by gender, let them know they can pick from whatever aisle they want. 

For teens, fantasy games can be a safe way to explore identity and expression. This could be choosing a character in a videogame other than the gender they were assigned, creating another-gender persona in Dungeons and Dragons, or even just role modeling your willingness to engage in genderplay yourself. I used to do play therapy with kids using the game app Roblox, which is great for young teens because they don’t have to make eye contact with you while they discuss the gender decisions around their characters. Playing games with your kids shows them you are interested in what brings them joy. Genderplaying with kids shows them you are happy they’re getting to know themselves.

Terms To Know In Gender and Medical Care

To help you better navigate the world of gender and medical care, here are some key terms to know: 

Gender Euphoria is the feeling of “rightness” in your gender embodiment. Sometimes people experience it as feeling beautiful. I feel gender euphoria when I wear a black t-shirt, silver chain, and a hoop in my right ear. Euphoria can be helped through clothes, shoes, makeup, wigs, lashes, binders, gaffs, packers, medical transition, exercise/ body-building, and the respect of other people towards your pronouns and name of choice.

Gender Dysphoria is the opposite. The stress of being shoved back into a societal mold functions as a trauma trigger. This means that our prefrontal cortex (our conscious brain) is temporarily shut down in favor of a fight, flight, freeze, or fawn response. 

This reaction can be momentary or can last all day. It’s disorienting and can leave trans clients I work with feeling “brain blasted.” When a kid shares they feel dysphoric, pause whatever is happening. This helps them establish that it is ok to stop for feelings. 

Over time with a therapist, they can develop tools for grounding themselves to get through school or other responsibilities. But sometimes trans kids may just need to take a day off school. Even without bullying or discrimination from teachers (which you should check in about if you suspect anyone is disrespecting your child), navigating a world made for cis people is challenging enough for adults, let alone a minor.

Hormone blockers prevent changes that happen with puberty so that kids can avoid dysphoria. 

Hormone Replacement Therapy (HRT) is prescribed estrogen or testosterone to change physical characteristics.

Top surgery is breast enlargement or reduction, with many varieties of surgery options for each.

Bottom surgery genital surgeries, of which there are several types. 

Resources for Parents and Families Supporting Trans Youth

Many LGBTQ+ health clinics offer Hormone Navigators. These are case managers that assist families navigating gender-affirming care. Psychology Today also has a “Find a Therapist” search bar that has support groups for trans youth and their families. Finding gender-affirming surgeons for minors varies in accessibility state-to-state. Find out if your state shields trans youth here. For parents seeking gender-affirming care for their kids across state lines, this organization can help. 

The Expansive Group offers mental health services for gender diverse families. Fill out our intake form to be matched with the best clinician for your family. 

I expect if you read this article, you may be a parent of a trans kid wondering how to support your baby. Or you’re a grandparent, or an auntie, or another guardian raising a kid who is on their gender journey. Whoever they are to you, I’m so glad you’re figuring it out and doing your research. Please accept that sometimes you’ll make mistakes, but also accept the responsibility to fix them yourself. Find support through therapy or other parents of trans kids. Your kids may also benefit from connecting with other trans kids their age. Consider your school’s Rainbow Alliance, support groups for trans and gender diverse kids, and queer neighborhoods that sponsor kid-friendly events. 

Most importantly, be kind to your kids. They didn’t get here too long ago.

And know that I’m rooting for you! For all of us in trans families, we’re all rooting for you.

Picture Credit: Little Girl