In this month’s Ask a Therapist, we’ll explore what solo polyamory is, how it differs from other forms of non-monogamy, and what it looks like in practice. Please note that the responses on our blog segment “Ask A Therapist” are not therapy, medical advice, or crisis management.  

In this article, we’re leaning on community-submitted questions about solo polyamory. The comments section on a recent post from us brought up a lot of great questions and nuances. So we’re going to clear the air on some things.

Buckle up! Let’s dive into solo polyamory with curiosity, honesty, and a willingness to untangle some big misconceptions.

What is solo polyamory?

Solo polyamory is a style of non-monogamy where someone values autonomy and independence as a central part of their relationship structure. In practice, that often means not pursuing traditional milestones like cohabitation, marriage, or shared finances. Instead, solo poly folks create deep, committed, and sometimes long-term partnerships while also prioritizing their own individuality, freedom, and chosen life design.

It’s important to understand that “solo” doesn’t equal “alone.” A solo poly person might have multiple close, loving relationships. The “solo” piece refers to how they approach life logistics and selfhood, not a lack of connection.

How is this different from casual dating or friends with benefits?

Solo polyamory isn’t just about keeping things “light” or avoiding depth. 

At first glance, solo polyamory can look like casual dating because there’s no emphasis on living together or merging lives. But the key difference is intentionality. Many solo polyamorous people are seeking depth, intimacy, and emotional investment. They may celebrate anniversaries, share long-term dreams, or provide significant support to one another. Honesty, self-awareness and care is prioritized along the way.

Friends with benefits or casual dating, on the other hand, are often less defined, less emotionally centered, and not always structured with long-term visions in mind. Solo polyamory is about building meaningful relationships while still choosing not to fit them into the traditional escalator of dating, moving in, sharing finances, getting married, and/or raising children.

How can a relationship be intimate without integrating lives?

Intimacy doesn’t require shared leases or joint bank accounts. People create closeness through emotional vulnerability, regular communication, sexual connection, shared experiences, and care. A solo polyamorous person may not live with their partner but they still spend multiple nights a week together, vacation together, and support one another through big life changes.

Solo polyamory highlights that intimacy is a choice and a practice, rather than something that depends on shared logistics and lifelong commitments. Some people find that not entangling every part of their lives allows them to show up with more intentionality in the moments they do share.

Is solo polyamory individualistic or isolating?

From the outside, solo polyamory can sound self-focused. The word “solo” may make you think of detachment or loneliness. But many solo poly people describe the opposite: feeling deeply connected to community, friends, lovers, and chosen family.

Instead of centering their life around one “primary” partner, solo polyamorous people tend to build webs of care that might include lovers, friends, chosen family, and hobby-based acquaintances. For some, this approach is actually less isolating, because it doesn’t funnel all intimacy and support through one person.

Is solo polyamory just anxious attachment or fear of commitment?

This is a common (and nuanced!) critique of solo polyamory. While some people might pursue solo polyamory from a place of fear, many others choose it intentionally because it aligns with their values and desires. It’s worth remembering that monogamy, too, can be chosen out of fear (fear of being alone, fear of rejection, etc.).

Choosing to prioritize autonomy doesn’t automatically signal “commitment issues.” It may reflect a strong sense of self, or simply a different vision for what partnership means. Just as someone can choose monogamy from a place of love rather than fear, someone can choose solo polyamory because it aligns with their values, not because they’re running away from intimacy.

What’s the difference between solo polyamory, relationship anarchy, and non-hierarchical polyamory?

These terms overlap, but they aren’t interchangeable.

• Solo polyamory: Autonomy is central. The person may have multiple deep relationships, but they don’t typically combine households, finances, or long-term life planning.
• Relationship anarchy: A relationship structure that rejects hierarchy and social scripts altogether. Romantic, platonic, and sexual relationships are all designed from scratch based on the people involved, not societal defaults.
• Non-hierarchical polyamory: A structure where partners are not ranked into “primary” and “secondary” categories. All relationships are considered equally valid, though they may look different in practice.

A solo poly person may or may not also identify with relationship anarchy or non-hierarchical polyamory, and vice versa!

Can solo polyamory include an anchor partner?

Yes. An “anchor partner” is someone who provides a steady sense of connection, grounding, and support. The common agreements of a primary relationship (hierarchy, exclusivity, future planning, etc.) don’t need to be present between anchor partners, therefore a solo poly person might have an anchor partner.

For example, a solo poly person might see an anchor partner every week, celebrate life milestones together, and share emotional intimacy—while still keeping separate finances, homes, or broader autonomy.

Independence and intimacy can coexist. For many solo poly folks, an anchor partner provides stability while still leaving space for multiple loves and self-defined freedom.

So what does solo polyamory look like day-to-day?

For some, it means living alone or with roommates while having one or more relationships and partnerships. For others, it means traveling often, keeping flexible schedules, or prioritizing solo hobbies and self-care. It could look like spending one evening cooking with a partner, the next day going on a date with a friend, and then taking a weekend entirely to yourself.

The common thread is autonomy. Instead of following a single template, solo polyamorous people intentionally craft lives that center both love and autonomy.

How can I figure out my personal relationship desires?

If you’re coming from a monogamous background, you may be thinking: “Wait, solo polyamory sounds familiar—Yes, I live with my partner, but we don’t spend every moment together, and we both make time for friends and solo activities while still having a deep, intimate connection.”

Or, if you’re already practicing polyamory in ways that are less solo you may notice some overlap in how connection and autonomy show up.

The difference is that solo polyamory puts independence at the center. 

Here are a few questions you can ask yourself to help clarify what you want in your relationships. Monogamous people can benefit from asking themselves these questions, too.

• What does independence mean to me in relationships?
• Which traditional milestones (cohabitation, marriage, finances) do I want or not want?
• How do I define commitment and intimacy outside of those milestones?
• What boundaries help me feel secure while staying connected?
• How do I want to balance solo time, partner time, and community care?
• What kind of support system do I want outside of romantic relationships?

Need help figuring things out? We’re here for you.

Designing your life and relationships can be joyous and overwhelming. If you’re looking for extra support, we’ve got a team of therapists and coaches who can provide the tools and space to explore this further. All of our offerings are affirming of neurodiversity and multicultural identities, are affirming of sex and non-traditional relationship structures, and are supportive of queer and trans identities.

You can connect with one of our therapists or coaches using our intake form. We offer individual and relationship support. In addition, check back regularly for support group openings where you can be in community while healing. 

Have questions for a therapist? Want to see it answered in our Ask A Therapist column? Submit your question here!

‍Picture Credit: She’s Gotta Have It