Do you find yourself forgetting details about a disagreement once it’s over? What about while you’re in an argument? Do you avoid conflict altogether because the intensity feels overwhelming?

If so, you’re not alone. Turns out, there’s actually a physical reason for it.

For many people, conflict feels threatening. Sometimes it reminds us of a completely different moment from our past. Even when a situation has nothing to do with the past, the feelings it triggers might. Other times, our bodies simply interpret strong emotions like anger, shame, or fear as signs of danger, and when that happens, your nervous system kicks into high alert.

If you’re feeling hurt in these moments, know your feelings are valid. You are not making things up, overreacting, or being careless. Your nervous system is reacting the way it’s designed to, even if your ability to communicate or fully understand your emotions is temporarily limited.

The Science Behind “Fight-or-Flight” Forgetting

When we perceive a threat—whether it’s a bear chasing us or our partner raising their voice—our bodies can activate the sympathetic nervous system, also known as the fight-or-flight response. This is the body’s built-in survival mechanism, designed to help us either confront danger, escape it, or appease it.

The brain prioritizes survival over everything else, including memory-making. The amygdala (our emotional alarm system) goes into overdrive, while the prefrontal cortex—the logical, planning part of the brain—temporarily takes a backseat. This is great if you’re running from danger—adrenaline surges through your body, making you stronger, faster, and ready to fight or flee—but not so great if you’re trying to remember exactly what was said or happened in an argument or high-conflict moment.

Research shows that high levels of stress hormones like cortisol and adrenaline can impair memory formation and retrieval. Essentially, your brain decides that recalling the exact phrasing of “You never listen to me” is less important than staying safe.

Why Your Memories Might Feel “Fuzzy”

Even if you recall the general sequence of a conflict, the memory may feel fragmented or incomplete. That’s because memory isn’t a perfect recording—it’s reconstructive. We piece it together from bits of sensory details, emotions, and later interpretations. You might remember a certain smell, a flash of color, or a single sharp image—like having puzzle pieces but no clear picture to guide you—making it hard to connect everything into a coherent whole.

Add strong or familiar emotions into the mix, and memory reconstruction becomes even trickier. In other words, your “playback” of an argument is like trying to complete a puzzle while some pieces are missing and others have been reshaped by your nervous system—what you see is more of a highlights reel than a full, uncut version.

When Past Experiences Shape Present Memory

For some, present conflicts can bring up memories of past experiences—complicated, confusing, violent, or traumatic situations, or even moments when your sense of safety was compromised. For example, a simple disagreement with a friend over plans might trigger memories of being dismissed as a child, while a more complicated argument with a partner could bring up feelings from past relationships where boundaries were crossed or trust was violated.

Feeling triggered or hurt does not mean your reaction is wrong. Even if your memory is incomplete or your communication falters, your emotions are real and valid.

How to Improve Memory During High-Stress Moments

You can’t completely override your nervous system’s survival instincts, and you wouldn’t want to. Those instincts are like a highly trained security system that once kept you safe from real danger: it alerted you to threats, energized your body, and helped you fight, flee, or freeze when safety was at risk. Back then, it was lifesaving. 

In today’s conflicts—arguments, tense conversations, or emotional triggers—the same system can activate automatically, even when your safety isn’t at risk. It’s simply doing what it’s designed to do, like a security system still sounding the alarm for minor disturbances. This automatic activation can make it harder to think clearly or recall details. The good news is that while you can’t turn it off entirely, you can support your brain in staying grounded and present enough to process events and remember them more effectively. Here are some strategies:

1. Slow Down and Pause: Before responding, take a moment to notice yourself and what’s rising inside you. Observing your emotions and bodily sensations helps you respond thoughtfully rather than acting solely on automatic survival patterns. Your feelings are real, even if your words or actions feel limited in the moment.

2. Tune Into Your Internal Experience: Notice what you’re feeling and thinking without judgment. Ask yourself, “What’s happening inside me right now?” This isn’t about blaming yourself—it’s about understanding your reactions and distinguishing between the present moment and past triggers.

3. Revisit the Conversation Later: If emotions are high, take time to reflect before continuing. Returning to the discussion after a pause allows for more thoughtful communication and insight into relational dynamics. Communicate that you need a break and plan when you will revisit the conversation.

4. Express Your Subjective Experience: Use statements like “I feel…” or “I notice…” to communicate your internal experience. This not only clarifies your perspective but also invites the other person to witness your feelings, fostering connection and empathy.

5. Reflect and Validate the Other Person: Notice and acknowledge the other person’s feelings (“I hear that you felt frustrated when…”). Recognizing their experience can strengthen attunement and help both of you process the interaction more consciously.

Talking to A Partner / Friend About Your Brain Fog 

If you’ve ever gone blank in the middle of an argument, you know how discouraging it can feel. You might forget the point you were trying to make, lose track of details, or feel like you can’t explain yourself the way you want to. This can add another layer of frustration—both for you and for the person you’re in conflict with. 

It’s important to remember that this isn’t a sign you’re avoiding responsibility or not taking the conflict seriously. Brain fog during heated moments is a nervous system response—it’s your body temporarily shifting resources away from memory and clear communication to focus on survival.

Because the experience can be confusing for others who don’t struggle with it, it can help to explain what’s happening in simple, clear language. That way, your partner or friend understands that you’re not shutting down the conversation, but rather asking for space to come back when you’re able to communicate more effectively.

Here are some phrases you might try in the moment:

• “I’m feeling foggy right now, and I can’t explain myself clearly. Can we pause and come back to this?”
• “I need a break to organize my thoughts so I can share what I really mean.”
• “I want to keep talking about this, but I need a little space to be able to think clearly.”

Being transparent about your experience helps reduce misunderstandings and reassures the other person that you’re still invested in resolving the conflict. It also gives you the space to regulate, reflect, and return to the conversation with more clarity and connection.

Resources: 

Further Reading Suggestions: 

• The Body Keeps the Score by Vessel Vanderkolk
• Waking the Tiger: Healing Trauma by Peter A. Levine
• It Didn't Start with You: How Inherited Family Trauma Shapes Who We Are and How to End the Cycle by Mark Wolynn

If you find yourself struggling with your memory during or after an argument, a therapist or coach can help. All of our offerings are affirming of neurodiversity and multicultural identities, are affirming of sex and non-traditional relationship structures, and are supportive of queer and trans identities.

You can connect with one of our therapists or coaches using our intake form. We offer individual and relationship support. In addition, check back regularly for support group openings where you can be in a community while healing.

Picture Credit: Sense8