In this month’s Ask a Therapist, we’ll share some helpful scripts, grounding techniques, and resources to help you vocalize your ‘nos’. Please note that the responses on our blog segment “Ask A Therapist” are not therapy, medical advice, or crisis management.  

A reader reached out with a question:

I am a queer person with ADHD and would like to work on tools and skills to deal with my pleasing people. Setting boundaries or rejecting someone hurts me physically. I feel like it's even harder for me to work on this because of rejection sensitive dysphoria. Are there any good methods, articles, books, etc. on this topic? How can I feel more confident about saying no?

Dear Reader,

I’m really feeling for you! You’re experiencing people-pleasing while also navigating attention deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD) and rejection sensitive dysphoria (RSD). You’ve found yourself saying ‘yes’ when you’d like to say ‘no.’ I’m glad you asked this question because there’s lots of people who can relate to you.

People-pleasing can be especially intense when you’re navigating both ADHD (with its rejection sensitivity) and queer identity (which often comes with pressure to be “palatable” or not “too much”). The distress you feel when saying no is real and valid. And there are techniques that can help! Let’s get into it.

Start Small: Practice Saying No in Low-Stress Situations

Start small! Next time someone asks where you want to go for dinner and you do have a preference but feel tempted to say “anything sounds good,” say your real answer out loud! It’s low stakes and low pressure. And it doesn’t actually involve saying your dreaded two letter word. If they’ve got a suggestion and you’d prefer something else, try saying something. In our week-to-week lives, there’s opportunities to use our voice and practice saying no. This’ll help us strengthen our ‘no’ muscles and be ready for more complicated situations in the future.

Scripts for Saying No Without Guilt or Shame

A nice way to adjust to saying “no” more often is to have some go-to phrases. This can be as simple as: “I’m not sure yet. I’ll let you know soon!”

Some other suggestions include: 

• Give yourself more time to think: “Let me think about that and get back to you.”
• Be gentle with your words: “I really care about you and want to help. But I can’t commit to that right now.”
• Add a bit of encouragement: “I won’t be able to. I hope you find someone who can!”
• Soften it for yourself: Add something like: “I’ll let you know if something changes.” While you’re adjusting to saying ‘no,’ throwing in that little sentence might ease some of the anxiety. 

HOT TIP: Add these to your Notes app for easy access!

All that being said, it can still be difficult to say those phrases. Something that helps me in these moments is to say the tough part out loud. Here’s an example:: “I’m working on not over-committing myself. It’s been hard saying ‘no’ but I’m gonna have to practice that today.”

‍How to Set Flexible Boundaries 

There may be times where you genuinely do want to help someone but can’t say ‘yes’ to their full request. 

Giving a full-on ‘no’ is always okay, but if you’re left still wanting to help, you can always say no…leave the conversation… and then ask yourself: 

“Is there smaller help I can offer?” 

For example, if someone asks you to pick them up from the airport and your answer is no, you might decide to text them later and offer to drop off food for them to enjoy once they land. Although no one is asking you to do that and you certainly don’t owe bending your boundaries to anyone, finding middle ground at the start may help you to work through some nerves. That is, if you genuinely DO want to extend this help. Although it’s harder said than done, try to make sure it’s coming from a place of love and connection, rather than a place of guilt and nervousness. 

A Grounding Technique for Saying No When You're Anxious or Overwhelmed

Alright, let me set the scene…

Your friend lives out of state and they really want you to come to their graduation party. Logistically, it’s going to be tough taking time off work. Financially, it’s going to dip into some important savings. Socially, it’s going to feel overwhelming and exhausting. It’s a clear ‘no’ for you…but now you have to say ‘no’ out loud! 

Try this out:

• Name the fear: “I’m afraid they’ll be mad or disappointed. I don’t want them to think I don’t love them.”
• Name your truth: “Going to the graduation will really take a toll on me. I love them. And I won’t be going.”
• Breathe in for 4, hold for 2, breath out for 6 – Repeat 3x.
• Say your boundary out loud, even to yourself first: Maybe you write it out in a journal or on your Notes app.

“I care so much about you and am so happy you finished this milestone! I really hate saying this…but I won’t be able to go. You’ll find something from me in your mail, though. Keep an eye out!” (Remember that when you say ‘no,’ you can express your love and name your discomfort, too!)

• Celebrate with a comfort activity: music, a toy, your favorite snack, a hot shower, etc.

Books, Podcasts, and Tools for Rejection Sensitivity and Boundary Setting

• Book: Set Boundaries, Find Peace by Nedra Glover Tawwab (There’s also a workbook!)
  
  • The go-to resource for establishing boundaries in all aspects of life

• Podcast Episode: Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria (RSD) & People Pleasing by the ADHD Unfiltered Podcast
  
  • A discussion about symptoms, real-life experiences, and recommended strategies

• Podcast Episode: Perfectionism and Rejection Sensitivity by Trauma Rewired
  
  • A discussion that elaborates on the nervous system’s role in RSD

• Article: How to Deal with Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria by Dr. Megan Anna Neff
  
  • Their website, Neurodivergent Insights, has super awesome resources. I highly recommend checking it out

Looking for Queer-Affirming Therapy or Coaching? We’re Here to Help

If you’re looking for extra support, we’ve got a team of therapists and coaches who can provide the tools and space to explore this further. All of our offerings are affirming of neurodiversity and multicultural identities, are affirming of sex and non-traditional relationship structures, and are supportive of queer and trans identities.

You can connect with one of our therapists or coaches using our intake form. We offer individual and relationship support. In addition, check back regularly for support group openings where you can be in community while healing. 

Have questions for a therapist? Want to see it answered in our Ask A Therapist column? Submit your question here!

Photo Credit: Broad City