In this month’s Ask a Therapist, we’ll explore ways that you can support yourself, your partner, and your relationship while your partner’s experiencing erectile dysfunction. Please note that the responses on our blog segment “Ask A Therapist” are not therapy, medical advice, or crisis management.  

A reader reached out with a question:

My partner’s struggling with erectile dysfunction. How do I support them?

Dear Reader,

I want you to know you’re not alone in this. There are a lot of relationships who are experiencing, or have experienced, a similar situation. 

Erectile dysfunction (ED) is one of those topics that rarely gets talked about openly, and  if it does come up, it’s often surrounded by shame, assumptions, and a lot of misinformation. It makes perfect sense to be feeling confused, hurt, worried, or unsure of how to show up for them.

In my work as a relationship therapist, I often support people through experiences like this—ones that touch on vulnerability, intimacy, and identity. And here’s what I want you to know: ED doesn’t have to mean the end of intimacy or connection. In fact, it can open up new ways to relate to each other sexually, emotionally, and relationally.

Let’s walk through what you need to know to support your partner with care and compassion, without losing sight of your own needs, too.

Erectile Dysfunction can happen for lots of different reasons.

ED doesn’t mean your partner isn’t attracted to you. It doesn’t mean they’re not sexual. It simply means their body isn’t responding in a certain way, right now.

Bodies respond to stress, aging, trauma, medical conditions, and medications in complex ways. Erections are just one of many aspects of the body that can be impacted. Our culture tends to tie masculinity, attraction, performance, and worth to having a hard penis on demand. That’s a narrow view of sexuality that can lead to harm and confusion. This view can also close us off from exploring all the amazing ways you can have sex *without* a hard penis. No one’s body owes a certain kind of response, and your partner’s ability (or inability) to have an erection most likely isn’t a reflection of their sexuality, attraction, or love for you.

Erectile Dysfunction could be related to medication.

One of the most overlooked causes of ED is medication. Antidepressants, anti-anxiety meds, blood pressure medications, hormone therapy, and even allergy meds can all have sexual side effects, including difficulty getting or maintaining an erection.

What you can try:

You can support your partner in advocating for themselves, but let them take the lead. Remind yourself that this is ultimately their responsibility. A part of being supportive is respecting their autonomy in navigating their own health.

Erectile Dysfunction could be related to gender dysphoria.

For some trans and nonbinary people, erectile dysfunction may be connected to experiences of gender dysphoria, especially if sexual touch or genital-focused stimulation brings up discomfort, detachment, or distress. If your partner has a complicated or painful relationship with parts of their body, it makes sense that erections might not be easy, automatic, or even desired. In this context, ED isn’t just about physical arousal; it can be a reflection of deeper emotional and identity-based experiences. 

What you can try:

If your partner shares that dysphoria plays a role, listen with care and without pressure. The goal isn’t to “fix” anything, but to co-create intimacy that honors their body, boundaries, and sense of self.

Erectile Dysfunction could be related to body dysmorphia.

Erectile dysfunction can also be influenced by body dysmorphia—a condition where someone becomes preoccupied with perceived flaws in their appearance, even if those concerns aren’t visible to others. If your partner struggles with their body image or fixates on specific aspects of their body during intimacy, they may find it hard to stay present, relaxed, or aroused. In these moments, the pressure to “perform” can amplify existing insecurities, making arousal even more difficult. 

What you can try:

Offering reassurance can be helpful, but what’s most supportive is creating an environment where your partner feels emotionally safe, unjudged, and not defined by their appearance. Patience, gentle communication, and a shared focus on emotional closeness rather than visual or performance-based standards can go a long way in supporting someone navigating body dysmorphia and/or erectile dysfunction. 

You can try saying something like: 

• I love being naked together.
• I feel so warm and cozy when we cuddle.
• I love what you do with those hands ;)

Pleasure doesn’t begin and end with penetration.

One of the most healing shifts partners can make when facing ED is expanding their definition of sex.

Penetrative sex is just one of many ways to experience intimacy. So often, we conflate erections with pleasure, and pleasure with penetration. But there’s a whole world beyond that… kissing, mutual masturbation, oral sex, touch, fantasy, roleplay, toys, slow exploration, sensual massage, emotional connection… all of these things are erotic and intimate and can happen *without* an erection. 

What you can try:

If your partner feels ashamed or withdrawn, remind them that their body is still capable of giving you pleasure and receiving pleasure. Focus on what feels good rather than what “should” happen.

Try not to take it personally.

When someone you love pulls away during sex, it’s easy to wonder if it’s something you did. Maybe you’re asking yourself:

• Am I not attractive anymore?
• Are they not into me?
• Did I say something wrong?

What you can try: 

These are very human responses. But try to remind yourself that ED is about how their body is operating, not your desirability. Taking it personally could actually make it harder for your partner to talk about it with you, which can increase feelings of shame and disconnection for both of you.

It makes sense to feel rejected, confused, or sad during this. Just try not to project those feelings onto your partner’s experience. Just because you have the *thought* that “They must not be attracted to me anymore,” doesn’t mean it’s true! Instead, ask a question that opens a conversation, rather than jumps to conclusions. This can sound like: 

“I noticed we were both really quiet after we had sex yesterday. Can we talk about how we've been feeling about our sex recently?”

Remember that this is their responsibility.

Supporting someone doesn’t mean fixing it for them. You can’t research your way out of this, pressure them into seeing a doctor, or “be sexy enough” to change their body’s response. This is their journey. And part of your role as a partner is knowing where to step back.

That doesn’t mean you don’t get a say in how this impacts your relationship or sex life. It means you get to be supportive without becoming responsible. 

What you can try:

• You can offer encouragement, be curious, and hold space, but ultimately, the work of managing ED belongs to them.
• If you ever feel like you’re doing the emotional labor alone or that your needs are consistently going unmet, it’s okay to talk about that. You deserve intimacy that feels mutual and fulfilling, too.

Supporting a partner with ED doesn’t mean pretending it doesn’t affect you. It means approaching the situation with empathy and curiosity.

Looking for Queer-Affirming Therapy or Coaching? We’re Here to Help.

If you’re looking for extra support, we’ve got a team of therapists and coaches who can provide the tools and space to explore this further. All of our offerings are affirming of neurodiversity and multicultural identities, are affirming of sex and non-traditional relationship structures, and are supportive of queer and trans identities.

You can connect with one of our therapists or coaches using our intake form. We offer individual and relationship support. In addition, check back regularly for support group openings where you can be in community while healing. 

Have questions for a therapist? Want to see it answered in our Ask A Therapist column? Submit your question here!

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