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So You’re Anal-Curious?

A queer-affirming guide to safe and pleasurable anal play

The backyard party! Booty play! A backstage pass! The scenic route! Backdoor bliss…you know what I’m talking about: butt play! 

Butt play can be an intimidating venture as it’s egregiously stigmatized in this world. Unfortunately we’re often presented with the negatives around anal a first introduction leaving a lot of us with negative feelings around this type of play. 

As a queer sex therapist, I love talking with clients of all genders about anal play, whether someone is simply curious, seeking accurate information, processing stigma, or wanting to feel more confident before trying it out themselves.

Maybe that’s what brought you here—curiosity, a desire to be more informed, baggage to process, or a bit of it all. Why ever you’re here, welcome to this judgment-free space to discuss all things anal sex. 

Disclaimer:

Before we even get started, I want to say you don’t need to be into butt play! The anus is rich and dense with nerve endings and it can be a quite  tender place where many people store their big emotions and trauma in the pelvic bowl. No matter your gender, your sexuality, your kinky vibes, your ways as a dom/me or sub, top or bottom, or any other identifier, anal sex does not make you any more or less who you are. 

I often ask clients, who are feeling charged about a new sexual realm to break down their feelings into different parts:

  • What part feels curious and playful about experiencing this new act
  • And what part feels like you should want this new practice
  • Do you want to explore or do you just However, what should be more widely known about anal sex is that it can feel so amazing,  healing, creative, transgressive and even connective. In honor of National Anal Health Awareness Month, I’m here to share a queer-inclusive guide on what anal sex really is—pleasurable, empowering, and deeply affirming. to explore? 

If the ladder part is much more present, I encourage you to pause and ask yourself: "What would it be like to slow down before trying anal play and explore where you've received messages telling you that you should do something that sounds uninteresting or unpleasant to you?”

If your curious part is more present, let me answer this quite common question people ask:

So Why Do People Like Anal Sex? 

1. It can feel really, really good

Let’s start with the obvious: people play with their butts because it can feel really, really good

If you can handle it, stay with me for a brief bio lesson:

Those dense and rich nerve endings, in the butt, I mentioned can also store big rolling pleasure. For people with clitoral parts, your anal nerves can converge  with the clitoral legs and cervix through the Pudendal Nerve. For those with prostate parts, there may be a P-spot located a couple of inches in, facing the belly, which can connect to pleasure nerves in the penis. All of these pleasure paths can add up to some really powerful positive sensations.

This can be true for folks receiving external anal stimulation via tongue or fingers, as well as people receiving penetrative or internal stimulation via fingers, toys, tongues or phalluses, including penises.

 It’s important to note, the anal canal can be a snug (not painfully tight!) place to receive penetration that  can bring on a special feeling of fullness and  create  grounding and delightfully overwhelming sensations

2. Anal Sex can heal trauma

 The butt is not just physical— it can be a portal to emotional release and for some, spiritual. Regardless of genitals,  anal nerves can connect with the vagus nerve, which plays a role in both our fight-or-flight response, as well as where we drop into deep rest and repair. For this reason, anal sex can sometimes feel like we are diving into a bliss state.

While this is anecdotal, some clients and friends have shared that this kind of play has been healing for their stress—including the trauma held in their bodies and pelvis—while navigating life under patriarchy, racism, and queerphobia. It is not uncommon for folks new and seasoned to anal stim to have big tearful or laugh-filled releases. This can offer up partners opportunities to do after-care (a tool from the BDSM and kink community) that can be incredible healing after the vulnerability of physical and emotional intensity. To illustrate my point, I shall quote a dear queer friend of mine who sipped a mocktail last week and jokingly warned me: 

"Careful when having anal, or you might just accidentally blurt out 'I love you' after you come with something in your butt."

That kind of intensity can feel vulnerable and validating, especially for folks who experience gender or body euphoria through bottoming.

3. It can feel validating to one’s identity and be political liberation!

Throughout U.S. history, anal sex has been criminalized and pathologized. Sodomy laws were used for centuries to target queer people, especially gay men and trans women. These laws remained on the books in many states until the Supreme Court's 2003 decision in Lawrence v. Texas, which struck them down.

With this queerphobia still very present in our world today, it can be an act of liberation and resistance for any queer person to experience pleasure of any kind, especially sexual pleasure. And if anal play brings you pleasure, you are a part of a rich tradition of queer people listening to their bodies in the face of people trying to control you. There’s power in reclaiming what queerphobia and sex negativity have tried to make taboo. Bottoming can be badass!

For some trans and nonbinary people, anal play offers a way to experience gender euphoria without involving the genitals they may feel dysphoric about. For others, it’s a way to reconnect with a part of their body that has been shamed, violated, or ignored.

Kink communities have long treated anal play as a site of ritual, power exchange, and reclamation. In dominant culture the butt has been coded as dirty, sinful, unsafe, or “only what gay men do”—messages reinforced by dangerous sex ed, religious shame, and (still in living memory) anti‑sodomy laws. When partners slow down to negotiate, warm up, lube generously, check in, breathe, and honor stop/go signals, they flip the script: what was taboo becomes intentional practice. 

Power becomes collaborative rather than coercive; roles can stretch (topping, bottoming, switching) across genders and bodies—including trans, intersex, nonbinary, disabled, and cis folks. In that container, shame‑loaded body zones become canvases for sensation, gender euphoria, and trauma‑informed rewriting of who gets to feel pleasure where.

That’s a bit on the “why.” Now, for the “how.”

How to Explore The Booty, With Harm-Reduction In Mind

To practice harm reduction, it is helpful to know what the risks are, so that you can agree with yourself and/or a partner about which risks you are open to, and which ones you are not. In anal play specifically one way to reduce harm is to reduce physical pain, especially in somewhere as sensitive as the anal canal. Here are some tips:

Mindset & Communication

  • Set intentions: Before you begin, have an honest conversation—either with yourself or your partner—about what you hope to explore, what you’re genuinely curious about, and any anxieties you’d like to acknowledge. This shared intention‑setting creates a foundation of trust and makes it easier to pause or pivot if something doesn’t feel right.

  • Agree on signals: Establish clear, simple cues—like a hand squeeze for “slow down” and two squeezes for “stop,” or a thumbs‑up for “more.” Having unambiguous signals means you don’t have to rely on words in the heat of the moment, which keeps you both safer and more present.

Prep & Hygiene

  • Shower first: A warm shower or bath loosens tight muscles and gently cleanses the area, helping you tune into your body without distractions. Spending a few extra minutes letting warm water cascade across your lower back and glutes can significantly lower initial tension.

  • Douching (optional): If you choose to douche, keep it minimal and gentle—just enough to feel fresh—and never force water in too high or too fast. Over‑douching can strip the natural lubrication and alter pH, increasing irritation and bacterial risk.

  • Toy care: Always wash any toy or dilator before and after use with mild, unscented soap and warm water, and make sure batteries are removed first. Proper cleaning prevents bacterial buildup and helps your next session start on a clean, worry‑free note.

  • Hair: Whether you choose to shave, trim, or leave it natural, discuss hair preferences with your partner in advance—some folks love smoothness, others embrace the natural look.
  • Cleanup: Lay down an old towel, have wipes on hand, and accept that a tiny smear can happen; naming and normalizing it ahead of time takes the stress out of cleanup.

  • Recommended location: Pick a private, comfortable spot—like a bed with a waterproof sheet or the shower floor with a soft mat—so you can relax fully and clean up easily afterward.

Pain Reduction, Breathing & Foreplay

  • Go sloooow: Rushing is the quickest way to trigger your body’s “hold tight” reflex—so move centimeter by centimeter, check in often, and celebrate small moments of relaxation. Giving yourself permission to linger at any point removes performance pressure and signals your nervous system that this is safe.

  • Breathwork: Anchor each movement to a deep inhale into your lower belly and a slow, controlled exhale that softens your pelvic floor. This yogic‑style breathing floods your system with calming signals and can literally widen the window of comfort for insertion.

  • Start small: Warm up with a well‑lubricated fingertip or the narrow end of a small plug before ever considering toys or partners. Building confidence with tiny, controlled sensations ensures that when you do progress in size, you’re doing so with relaxed muscles rather than a fight‑or‑flight reaction.

  • Foreplay: Spend time on full‑body arousal first—kissing, caressing erogenous zones, using your partner’s hands or mouth on other areas—to boost natural lubrication and relax your nervous system before any anal stimulation.

Reducing “Poop Anxiety” aka how to not freak out when you see poop!

  • IBS tips: If you live with IBS or other digestive sensitivities, focus on a fiber‑rich diet and gentle stool form—this helps ensure most of your stool is passed well before play, minimizing unwelcome surprises. A predictable, comfortable bowel routine is one of the simplest ways to reduce cleanup worries.

  • Boundaries: Some folks don’t mind seeing a little residue; others need a “no‑smear” rule. Talk through realistic scenarios—like what happens if you spot a smear on your toy—and agree on a cleanup plan so nobody feels grossed‑out or judged in the moment.

Anal Training Primer

  • Muscles to train: Inside your butt, there are three rings of muscle, or sphincters, one inside the other—external (closest to the skin), superficial, and internal (deepest)—that all need to learn to relax in sequence. Training each layer with controlled dilation is what transforms tension into openness, making bottoming both comfortable and pleasurable.

  • Dilation goal: Think of dilation as a gradual exercise: you’re stretching both skin and muscle in a safe, stepwise way so that the canal can accommodate whatever comes next. Rather than forcing it in one go, progressive stretching teaches your body there’s no need to clamp down. If interested, anal dilation kits are widely available. 

Quick Harm‑Reduction Checklist

  • Condoms/toy‑condoms: Slip a fresh condom over any penis or insertable toy to catch fluids, prevent microtears, and simplify cleanup—then swap it out before moving to other body parts. Ask about a partner's latex allergies.

  • Dental dams or “Lorals”: These thin barriers keep rimming safe by blocking saliva‑to‑anus contact, cutting down on fecal‑oral germ transmission without dampening sensation.

  • Gloves: A snug latex or nitrile glove on fingers or fist not only smooths entry and protects nail scratches but also makes swapping hands or switching from butt to genitals quick and hygienic.

  • Barrier swaps: Whenever you go from anal to oral or genital play, change or wash your barrier—this single step slashes risk of UTIs, GI bugs, and skin irritation in one go.

  • PrEP & testing: Because microscopic tears increase HIV and Hep C risk, discuss PrEP with your provider, get regular STI screenings, and share results openly—this proactive approach protects everyone involved.

  • Pee & hydrate: A post‑play trip to the toilet flushes out any stray bacteria and cuts your chance of a UTI, while sipping water beforehand and afterward helps keep tissues supple and healthy.

Whether you’re just dipping a toe into anal play or you’ve been curious for a while, remember that taking things at your own pace makes all the difference. If you ever feel stuck, overwhelmed, or just want to talk through your experiences and questions, a session with a queer‑affirming sex therapist can be a great way to explore your desires, get personalized guidance, and build confidence in a judgment‑free space.

You can connect with one of our therapists or coaches using our intake form. We offer individual and relationship support. In addition, check back regularly for support group openings where you can be in community while healing.

Note: Any and all reference to “clients” is a composite of E.T.’s many experiences and not in reference to any one person

Picture Credit: This Flag Means Death