Check out our Blog!

Learn more

Why Your Orgasm is Ghosting You

What a Sex Therapist Wants You to Know About Orgasms

The little death. The melting point. The portal to another dimension. The whole that is greater than the sum of its parts. The tippy top of the mountain. The holey grail. Today, friends…  we’re talking about orgasms. 

Please pause here for a moment and notice what is most present in your body & within your emotional landscape as the topic of orgasm is introduced. Did your heart quicken a bit? Did your stomach drop? Did you feel excited? Shame? Sadness? Numbness? Something else entirely? With a lens of curiosity rather than judgment, note what you feel. Do similar feelings sometimes arise for you when engaging in sexual play? 

Tuning our awareness to the way our body responds when sex is discussed is an excellent first step in deepening our understanding of our sexual selves and expanding our capacity for pleasure. 

As a sex therapist, I love working with my clients to co-create safe and inspiring spaces to talk about sex. Usually, before we can dive deep into the parts about pleasure, fun & joy, we need to pay attention to what may be getting in their way. 

Challenges with Orgasm May Be More Common Than You Think 

For many, thinking about orgasms may bring about feelings of frustration and confusion. A high number of people report some type of challenge with their experience of sexual pleasure. Data published in the journal of sexual medicine notes that around

  • 85% of heterosexual & homosexual men
  • 61% of heterosexual women
  • 75% of homosexual women 

experience orgasm during sexual activity with a familiar partner. Notice that none of these statistics are anywhere near 100%. 

Challenges with orgasm are incredibly common, across the spectrum of sexuality and gender identity. Sometimes, a seemingly complex & sophisticated combination of factors is needed in order for a person to experience a fulfilling orgasm, including physical and mental relaxation, sufficient lubrication, ample time for arousal, adequate stimulation, a sense of comfort within one’s body, gender, and sexuality and a feeling of security within a relationship, along with numerous other potential contributing factors. The list of “to-do’s” to have “good sex” can quickly become heavy and feel laborious. 

I often meet with clients who come in specifically to address a sexual concern & they tend to expect our conversations to linger around the realms of sexuality. More often than not, however, the discussion quickly expands to include topics like communication dynamics with their partner, religious trauma, how much time the client spends outside, and their people pleasing tendencies at work, just to name a few topics that have come up in my sex-therapy sessions over the last week. In therapy, everything is relevant and connected and sex is no exception. When we are experiencing constriction and disconnection in other areas, the strain may be felt in our sex lives, as well. 

The Pressure to Perform: How Expectations Cast a Shadow on Your Pleasure 

One of the more common sticking points clients report around sexual pleasure are feelings of pressure: pressure to present a certain way during sex, pressure to meet a partner’s perceived expectations & pressure to orgasm. 

We are social creatures: we first learn by observing others. Many people’s first exposure to sex came in the form of mass produced media or via erotic content created for entertainment, which erroneously centers the moment of orgasm as the pinnacle of the experience, the goal, the proof of having done it “correctly” and of having been sexually proficient at pleasing your partner. We internalize the message that orgasm is the end game & in so doing, create an unsustainable amount of pressure on our subsequent sexual experiences. Can you locate the ways our culture of productivity and capitalism have made their way into your sexual ideals?  

Shifting this linear mindset requires patience with ourselves in the process of learning how to loosen the death grips we hold on all of the sexual shoulds we’ve internalized. Many begin this process by seeking out support in the forms of sex positive literature, education, media and community. When the knots around our experiences with sex feel more complex, a sex therapist may provide the care and experience needed to help untangle the threads and begin weaving a new tapestry. 

What’s Dampening Your Experience of Pleasure? 

Someone having difficulty with orgasming may be experiencing a mental, emotional, or physical block (or likely some combination of these). As you read through these lists, what kind of impact do you imagine these thoughts might have on an individual’s ability to access feelings of freedom & surrender during sex? 

Mental blocks include thought patterns, expectations, and notions about sex, such as: 

  • I should have an orgasm (or pretend to) in order to make my partner feel good about themselves during sex
  • If I don’t have an orgasm, it means something is wrong with me or the relationship 
  • Queer sex is somehow wrong or devious
  • A higher power won’t accept me if I have sex like this (queer, casually, kinky, outside of marriage)

Emotional blocks during sex include, but are not limited to:

  • Fear of experiencing pain during sex 
  • Anxiety about judgment, rejection, or perceived failure
  • Trauma associated with past harmful or abusive experiences 
  • Depression or a feeling of emotional numbness 

Physical blocks during sex may include: 

  • A lack of physical arousal (e.g. blood flow to the pelvic region, increased heart rate, lubrication) 
  • A feeling of fear, stress, or shame that manifests in physiological tightening & tension
  • Side effects of certain medications 
  • Chronic pain or illness 

When it comes to sex, everything is connected. Can you imagine the way a physical block may have a mental starting point or the way a thought pattern might be deeply tied to an experience of emotional trauma? Sexual pleasure can be much more complex than our favorite romcoms or erotic content have led us to believe. 

So what’s a babe to do?! 

Mindfulness Can Support Your Experiences of Pleasure 

When I learned about mindfulness in a positive psychology class over a decade ago, it just seemed so boring to me. At that time, I could not quite comprehend the value of sitting? And just noticing? The present moment? No, I wanted action. To do something! Feel something! Learn something! Maybe some of you can relate. 

Years later, mindfulness entered my world again when I was in the midst of a painful season– I was working through grief, a breakup, illness, moving, feelings of regret, fear of the unknown, and burnout all at the same time. Through mindfulness practice I felt the value of subtle mindset shifts: acceptance, slowness, curiosity. My nervous system settled and I began experiencing a greater sense of agency within my experiences. I began to weave the tenets of mindfulness more decisively into my work as a sex therapist. 

Up to this point in our conversation, we’ve talked about the lists- the factors contributing to good sex (or a lack thereof), the kinds of blocks people tend to experience, & all of the things to figure out. Pause again to notice–how is your body feeling? Sometimes, these kinds of conversations about sex can be quite overwhelming. 

These lists do matter! There’s education and insight to be found within the data, however, pleasure is not something to achieve or work toward—it is something to relax into and discover

Mindfulness practice can light this path of awakening to your inner curiosity, creativity, & playfulness. 

In his book Full Catastrophe Living, Jon Kabat-Zinn, one of today’s leaders within the field of mindfulness, outlines the attitudinal foundations of mindfulness practice: 

  • Non-judging: being an impartial witness to your experiences, cultivating observation
  • Patience: openness to each unfolding moment
  • Beginner’s mind: seeing everything as if for the first time, appreciating the uniqueness of each new moment
  • Trust: honoring one’s feelings and intuition, living authentically
  • Non-striving: non-doing, being present
  • Acceptance: experiencing things as they are, instead of how we wish for them to be
  • Letting go: cultivating non-attachment

These are simple (not easy) ethos that require a lifetime to cultivate. For now, notice one concept that stands out to you. Can you imagine what it might feel like to incorporate this mindset into your relationship with pleasure? For instance, what if you adopted non-striving as an attitudinal practice next time you engage in sexual play? What if you decided to stop trying to make anything happen or experience anything in particular - what could arise in the absence of your striving? 

A Mindfulness Practice to Begin Softening

Our relationship to food often mirrors our relationship to sex and pleasure. In your next meal of the day, try some mindfulness practice. In the first bite, what would it be like to imagine experiencing this exact food for the first time? 

  • Could you appreciate the uniqueness of this particular experience with this food?
  • Could you purposefully slow down, noticing nuanced flavors and textures? 
  • Could you accept the food exactly for what it is, not wishing it was somehow better or different? 

How does this change your experience in the moment?

If practicing with food doesn’t feel right for you, consider the same mindset practices on your commute, while listening to music, or while spending time with your pet. What is it like to slow down, drop your ingrained judgments, and experience this moment simply for what it holds?

Increased mindfulness can support enhanced awareness, self compassion, and experiences of physical sensations in the present moment. Research conducted in 2019 concluded that mindfulness practice was positively correlated with improvement in feelings of sexual arousal and desire, self-reported sexual satisfaction, and a reduction in fear associated with sexual activity. 

Perhaps paradoxically, the more we learn to let go of pressure and expectation to experience orgasm, the more we open our senses to experiencing a wider breadth of sexual pleasure, connection, and joy. When we practice mindfulness during sexual activity, we are more mentally flexible and able to redirect our attention away from pressure & performance and toward genuine pleasure and connection both with the self and others. 

Finding Specialized Support

As you’ve read, if you have found yourself connecting with some of the challenges discussed here, a sex therapist might be right for you!  If you find yourself desiring additional support, The Expansive Group has a team of therapists and coaches who can provide the tools and space to explore your pleasure journey further. All of our offerings are affirming of neurodiversity and multicultural identities, are affirming of sex and non-traditional relationship structures, and are supportive of queer and trans identities.

You can connect with one of our therapists or coaches using our intake form. We offer individual and relationship support. In addition, check back regularly for support group openings where you can be in community while healing.

Picture Credit: Dying for Sex