In this month’s Ask a Therapist, we’re joined by The Expansive Group therapist and coach Velvet Divine (she/her), who gives tips on how to identify and cope with queer-related work burnout Please note that the responses on our blog segment “Ask A Therapist” are not therapy, medical advice, or crisis management.  

A reader reached out with a question:

I am queer and work in a corporate setting where my queerness isn’t welcomed. I have to hide parts of myself, like talking about me and my partner. It’s burning me out and I’m not sure what to do. Do you have any advice or tools to help me manage this?

Dear Reader,

I can imagine how much this is taking a toll on you. Your queerness follows you everywhere you go. Needing to close off that part of yourself on a daily basis can feel sad, confusing, hopeless, and exhausting.

Hiding parts of yourself to stay safe and calm at work is an ongoing, energy-draining task. On a daily basis, you’re responding to a real stressor.

“Small” Things Add Up

Not all workplace harm is loud and obvious. What can really wear people down are the subtle, repeated instances that make you feel othered or rejected.

Here are some examples of queer workplace microagressions and stressors:

• Coworkers consistently assume you’re straight (“Do you have a boyfriend?)
• Needing to avoid conversations about your personal life because it feels unsafe or risky
• Hearing jokes or comments that make queerness seem weird/bad/inappropriate/shameful
• Lack of representation in leadership or company culture
• Feeling like you have to edit your language (For example: Feeling judged or questioned when you use the term “partner”)

On their own, these may seem small. When they add up, a person can begin to feel very aware of themselves. This vigilance can feel exhausting and may lead to burn out.

You’ve Got Other Identities, Too

Your experience of queerness is shaped by other parts of your identity, like race, gender, class, culture, ability.

Velvet mentions that intersectionality can be complex: you might find connection with colleagues on one shared identity, while feeling rejected or unseen in another. For example, you might bond over cultural background but feel you have to hide your queerness within that same relationship. This can deepen the sense of isolation, especially when you’re almost seen, but not fully.

Depending on your identities, you may be experiencing various forms of microagressions, making your burnout even more nuanced and complex.

How to Tell If You’re Burnt Out

Burnout tends to creep in slowly, rather than being a sudden crash.

Velvet explains “mentally, burnout can show up as a loss of motivation, detachment from goals and colleagues, and a persistent exhaustion or feeling of being ‘drained.’ Physically it can manifest as stomach aches or indigestion, aches and pains like muscle tension or headaches, or a change in sleep habits and appetite.”

If you’re noticing yourself feeling disconnected, depleted, or physically off, your body might be signaling that something needs to change.

Deciding If You Want to Be Openly Queer at Work

There are people who can mention being queer at work with no consequences… but are nervous to take the risk. 

Velvet reminds us “A lack of consequences doesn’t always mean the presence of support or community.” Just because no one has explicitly said something harmful doesn’t mean the environment is affirming.

Being openly queer at work is a personal decision that’s shaped by safety, capacity, and desire. Here are some questions to help you get closer to understanding yourself and your situation: 

• What am I actually afraid might happen?
• Do I feel encouraged to share, or am I simply allowed to?
• Am I wanting to be openly queer for myself or because I feel like I should be?

How to Get Support Outside of Work

Some aspects of a work environment are outside of our control. To help prevent and recover from burnout, here are some ways to support yourself.

1. Prioritize your basic needs: Velvet wants us to prioritize sleep, nourishment, and rest. While these seem mundane, they are aspects of life that give us the strength and capacity to cope with ongoing stress.
   

2. Build a fulfilling life outside of work: “Seeking sources of joy is huge,” Velvet shares. Whether it’s through hobbies or loved ones, try to interact with people, places, and things that honor and celebrate who you really are.
   

3. Create boundaries with yourself at work. For example, you can:

• Decide what topics are off-limits
• Assess if there are things in work that you’d like to become less emotionally invested in
• Allow yourself to step away from hurtful conversations
  

4. Find a queer-affirming community outside of work: Velvet says that it’s helpful to “begin building a community outside of work where your queerness is not just welcome but celebrated.” This will also be a place where you can talk about identity and work burnout.
   

Sometimes, leaving your job is the best and most reliable option. Of course this comes with lots of restraints, like needing consistent income and financial security. Outside of finances, you may feel emotional and social guilt or discomfort when it comes to quitting your job. You may fear your family’s judgement or feel concerned for the extra responsibility your coworkers will have once you leave. Here’s a little reminder that you’re allowed to quit your job’re Here For You

There’s a particular kind of grief that comes with not being able to show up fully, especially in a place where you spend so much of your time.

If you’re looking for extra support, we’ve got a team of therapists and coaches who can provide the tools and space to explore this further. All of our offerings are affirming of neurodiversity and multicultural identities, are affirming of sex and non-traditional relationship structures, and are supportive of queer and trans identities.

You can connect with one of our therapists or coaches using our intake form. We offer individual and relationship support. In addition, check back regularly for support group openings where you can be in community while healing. 

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‍Picture Credit: The Good Wife