In this month’s Ask a Therapist, we’re joined by The Expansive Group therapist and coach Joy Belonger (she/they), who has personal and clinical experience around dating as a trans and gender-expansive person. We’ll share common dating experiences, coming out as trans to the person you’re dating, dating red & green flags, and the importance of community. Please note that the responses on our blog segment “Ask A Therapist” are not therapy, medical advice, or crisis management.  

A reader reached out with a question:

I’m 44 and haven’t dated in 13 years. I’ve since realized I’m a trans guy, and really scared of dating. I tried a few apps, but after men find out I’m trans they disappear. I’m learning a lot about how to be in a world that feels so different than it did in the past. Most days feel like it would be too much work to invite another person in my life, yet want some person to share my life with. Plus, non-romantic people in my circle are not able to care or spend time with me how I want and need. Do I need more friendship? A partner? Or do I just let things be and something will happen as I keep doing the things to change in my own life?

Dear Reader,

It makes complete sense that dating feels overwhelming right now. You’re not just re-entering the dating world after 13 years; you’re doing it as a newly-out trans man in a world that reacts to you differently than it used to. 

You’re experiencing a sort of tension… wanting closeness while also wanting to protect yourself. This is very human of you to do! The three paths you’re looking for (more friendship, a partner, or time) can exist at once. There’s no single right order to follow. What matters most is building the kinds of connections that support you, affirm you, and make you feel more like yourself.

Dating After Coming Out Will Feel Different. And That’s Normal.

One of the first things Joy reminded me is that dating is deeply shaped by gender. “Dating is a gendered activity,” she explained. When your gender, or the way people perceive you, shifts… your dating experience shifts right along with it. As your gender identity and expression shifts, the norms, assumptions, roles, or scripts you were familiar with may no longer feel intuitive. That’s not a sign you’re doing anything wrong. It’s simply evidence that you’re in a new context. 

As Joy said, “If your dating game feels off at first, that’s normal. You could be playing a very different game after coming out.” In other words: be gentle with yourself. You’re learning how to date as this beautiful person you’ve become. 

So… When Should I Disclose?

This is one of the most common questions newly-out trans people ask. But Joy pushed back on the idea that the responsibility sits on trans people to disclose at the “perfect” time.

“There can be a gross overemphasis on our disclosure,” she said, pointing out how transphobic myths, especially those aimed at trans women, try to frame trans people as deceptive. When we center cis people’s fears, we lose sight of our own intuition.

“When we center ourselves in the conversation instead,” she said, “the ideal time becomes whenever the hell we want.”

That said, Joy acknowledges that timing has emotional consequences. Keeping any core truth private early in dating means you’re investing time and energy with someone who may not ultimately be able to love you in the way you hope. “The longer we wait to disclose, the more energy and time we are risking,” she shared. Rejection after connection can hurt deeply.

For Joy, early disclosure is a vetting strategy: “I disclose immediately because my time and energy is worth more than the approval, or love, of any cis person.” But she also stressed that this is a deeply personal decision… each trans person gets to choose their own approach.

These questions may help you gauge your safety and desire to come out to the person you’re dating:

• How does your body respond around this person?
• Do you have a gut sense of trust?
• Are they consistent, respectful, and curious rather than invasive?
• What does your community think?

Things to Notice While You’re Dating as a Trans Person

You’re not looking for someone perfect. You’re looking for someone who treats you like a full human being, not a category.

Red flags might include:

• Someone who’s overly fixated on your body, surgeries, or genitals
• People who see dating a trans person as an “experience”
• Partners who expect you to educate them without doing their own work
• Backhanded compliments (“You’re actually pretty for a trans girl.”)
• Discomfort being seen with you in public
• Anyone who tries to control your gender expression

Green flags can look like:

• Gentle curiosity, without entitlement to get an answer
• Respect for your boundaries and privacy
• Someone who doesn’t treat your transness as a burden or a fascination
• People who already have queer or trans friends, community, or awareness
• Partners who affirm your gender without making it the only thing they see
• Someone who’s willing to acknowledge and repair harm when they mess up

Building Queer Community Before Dating

Dating can be meaningful, valuable, and hopefully fun. But if you’re choosing between dating and community because your time and energy are limited, Joy recommends prioritizing connection with other queer and trans people first.

“Having a community of trans folks around you makes every part of trans life just a little easier, including dating,” she said.

Community helps you gauge situations that you’re in. For example, they can help you figure out whether someone is fetishizing you, questioning you, or genuinely interested. When you’re left doubting yourself in dating, your community can help remind you of your worth and value. They can also help you feel less alone in navigating prejudice and oppression, which, unfortunately, most trans people encounter throughout their lives.

While expanding your social support system is important, Joy shared that dating can be a doorway into community. You don’t have to choose rigidly. But you do deserve support that isn’t dependent on romance.

Find Acceptance and Support in Media

While the internet can be a scary and hurtful place, it is also a platform for trans people to share knowledge and community with one another.

“Trans folks across the internet have shared their perspectives on questions just like these all across the web,” Joy said. “We generate and record this wisdom for each other, same as the trans people who came before us.”

You can seek out books, creators, podcasts, and stories that remind you you’re not alone. The world is full of trans people living full, joyful, and deeply loving lives.

Here are some podcasts we recommend:

• Gender Stories
• The Transgenda
• Gender Reveal
• Hoodrat to Headwrap: A Decolonized Podcast

Here are some Instagram accounts:

• @che.che.luna
• @queerandtranswealth
• @alokvmenon
• @iharterika

And here are some memoirs and essays:

• We Both Laughed In Pleasure by Lou Sullivan
• Whipping Girl by Julia Serano
• She's Not There: A Life in Two Genders by Jennifer Finney Boylan
• Gender Euphoria by Laura Kate Dale

Were Here For You

If you’re looking for extra support, we’ve got a team of therapists and coaches who can provide the tools and space to explore this further. All of our offerings are affirming of neurodiversity and multicultural identities, are affirming of sex and non-traditional relationship structures, and are supportive of queer and trans identities.

You can connect with one of our therapists or coaches using our intake form. We offer individual and relationship support. In addition, check back regularly for support group openings where you can be in community while healing. 

‍Have questions for a therapist? Want to see it answered in our Ask A Therapist column? Submit your question here!

Picture Credit: Heartstopper