In this month’s Ask a Therapist, we’re joined by The Expansive Group therapist, coach, and veteran Kayla Harris, LMFT (she/her), who shares about how military personnel and veterans can cope with complex and nuanced feelings. The responses on our blog segment “Ask A Therapist” are not therapy, medical advice, or crisis management.  

Reader note: Although there are distinct differences between “veterans” and “current military personnel,” for ease of language, we are going to use these terms interchangeably. Please know that this entire article relates to both groups.

When you think of a veteran what comes to mind? For most of us, we may have a pre-perscribed idea about what a veteran looks like, talks like, and cares about. However, those who have serviced the military, in the past or present, have a wide range of experiences, thoughts, feelings, and values. But just like all identities and backgrounds, the more people you meet within a particular group, the more you realize that everyone is complex and different in their own ways. 

One sub-group within military personnel are those who understand militarized violence to be unethical and demoralizing. If that’s you… hi! This article is  especially for you!

To better understand how to cope in these moments, I spoke with a therapist—and veteran herself—who works with military-connected clients

Being enlisted can bring up a wide range of emotions.

When I asked Kayla about common emotional responses that military personnel may have, she shared that it’s nuanced and depends on a person’s mix of identities, experiences, values, and opinions. 

Let’s break it down. Veterans and military personnel may be:

Feeling Small, Ashamed, and Exploited:

• “It doesn’t matter what I think. There’s nothing I can do about all of this.”
• “I can’t believe I was ever proud to wear the uniform”
• “Everyone keeps asking me about this, but I am afraid to speak on it honestly. They don’t realize what I’m risking if I speak up.”
• “People want to talk about veterans and service members if it helps their point, but what about hearing what we want for ourselves, what we actually think?”

Overwhelmed By Empathy, Grief, and Disgust: 

• “I’m glad I got out before things got this bad, but there are people I care about who are still in.”
• “I know someone who died in uniform and this is not what they died for.”
•  “I can’t believe we’re still doing this!”

Reflecting On Personal Ethics and Values: 

• “I feel awful that I hurt those people/that person.”
• “I know the troops are just following orders, but I also think their orders are wrong.”
•  “I wish I had not done that.” Or “I wish I had spoken up or asked more questions”

Experiencing Betrayal: 

• “This is/was NOT what I signed up for. I’d hoped for better than this.”
• “No one cares what I have to say about all of this, even though I’m a veteran/service member.”

Feeling Empowering Emotions: 

• “I’m proud to have served my country in this way and to have fulfilled my duty as a soldier/sailor/Marine/Airmen.”
• “I hope this will all be over soon and the good will prevail” or “I hope this is the last time we participate in this.”

To better understand your feelings and experiences, look at the full picture.

For those wrestling with the tension of feeling both complicit in and powerless against systems of violence, Kayla recommends thinking about the full context and bringing more compassion into your story. As a veteran herself, Kayla practices normalizing that two things can happen at once, even if they feel like opposites.

You can: 

       1. Feel complicit 

       2. Feel powerless.

Kayla recommends reminding yourself that: “Given the context, it makes sense that I feel this way.”

Finding “appropriate responsibility” is something that Kayla recommends. This involves taking a realistic assessment of your personal roles and influence. Oftentimes veterans feel responsible for things that they actually had no control over. She reminds us “As individuals, we cannot take on the entire blame for harm the U.S. armed forces have caused to the global masses… We also cannot completely disown our responsibility for the harm we, as individuals, have caused.”

Important notes to remember: 

• The full picture matters. Military training played a huge role in your experience. 
• Training can dehumanize you by treating you as military property, desensitize you to violence, and force you to comply with orders without question. 

All of these reminders help add nuance and compassion into your story.

You can add things into your life that *do* prioritize your autonomy and your values.

Kayla encourages veterans and active service members to identify areas of personal agency (no matter how small) and to care for themselves first. “You can’t pour from an empty cup,” she said.

A Few Suggestions:

• Acknowledge your agency/power 
  
  • For service members: Even if it feels like the government is in control of most aspects of your life, in what facets do YOU have the final say? What aspect of your life are you *not* dictated by doctrine.
  • For veterans: Are there areas of your life that you have more say in now compared to when you were in the military? Can you give yourself what you hoped the military would give you. For example, if you joined because you were seeking a sense of purpose, try to find what your purpose is now, as a veteran.
• Have a therapeutic space 
  
  • Seek a therapist who can hold your story without judgment and help you assess responsibility proportionately. Kayla is currently taking on new clients. You can reach out here.
• Practice sustainable action
  
  • Engage politically, financially, or socially in ways that align with your values. Examples include voting, funding reparative work, volunteering with groups in impacted communities, and connecting with other veterans for mutual support.

You can find purpose and healing through social connection.

Healing can come from connection and meaning-making. Kayla introduced me to the idea of “personal institutional resilience”— a practice that helps you recover from institutional betrayal, harm and dehumanization. Here's a guide to help lead the way:

• Practicing self-awareness: 
  
  • Talk therapy
  • Journaling about your past experiences, emotions, and responses 
  • Listing your personal strengths and values
  • Creating a menu of options for activities that feel comforting 
    

• Practicing mindfulness:
  
  • Identify your emotions in the moment
  • Accept your range of emotions with neutrality 
  • Notice self-criticism or judgement (and try not to judge your judgement!)
  • Notice the body-sensations you are feeling (“Right now, I am noticing my face feels hot, especially in my cheeks and nose.”)
    

• Cultivating supportive relationships: 
  
  • Seek community with other veterans (VFWs or American Legions, MeetUps, local support groups, veterans-only retreats and activities, social media groups, Veteran Town Hall)
  • Let your loved ones know what you are feeling 
  • Create systems of support together so everyone knows how they can help you
    

• Discover your sense of purpose:
  
  • Try global activism or community organizing that align with your values and interests
  • Explore hobbies, interests, or careers that feel fulfilling to you

Self-compassion is a very important part of this conversation.

When veterans want to take accountability for harm caused during service, Kayla highlighted the need for self-compassion before action. “When we are stuck in ‘I was bad, I did bad things’ there is not usually room for us to heal or ‘do good’ moving forward.”

She’d encourage you to remember that it is not your responsibility to make reparations or apologies on behalf of the entire U.S. military system and its members. Nor is it your job to heal everyone that has been harmed.

Instead, focus on what you can do in your immediate sphere, and remember you don’t have to navigate this process alone.

In the spirit of compassion, forgiveness, and reflection, Kayla asks these questions:

• Am I open to healing parts of myself first so I don’t unintentionally cause MORE harm to the folks I’m trying to help?
• Can I reflect on harms I caused or was involved in and acknowledge the role of how my identities played a role in those actions or how they were received by others at the time? 
• Can I reflect on my actions and their consequences and see them in the scope of the larger systemic context?
• Can I acknowledge these factors in a way that does not excuse harm or abdicate personal responsibility for my action? 

Looking for Affirming Therapy or Coaching? We’re Here to Help.

If you are a veteran or active service member struggling with the current global climate, know that there is space for every feeling you hold — and that healing is possible without taking on the entire weight of the world.

All of our offerings are affirming of neurodiversity and multicultural identities, are affirming of sex and non-traditional relationship structures, and are supportive of queer and trans identities. You can connect with one of our therapists or coaches using our intake form. We offer individual and relationship support. In addition, check back regularly for support group openings where you can be in community while healing. 

Have questions for a therapist? Want to see it answered in our Ask A Therapist column? Submit your question here!

Photo Credit: The Inspection