In this month’s Ask a Therapist, we’re joined by The Expansive Group therapist and coach Ali Rose Lesakowski, LMSW (she/they/we). They share what may be underlying your dating anxiety, coping strategies, and helpful reminders. Please note that the responses on our blog segment “Ask A Therapist” are not therapy, medical advice, or crisis management.  

A reader reached out with a question:

I get super anxious before dates. Sometimes I spend hours overthinking what to wear, what to say, and whether they’ll like me. How do I stop feeling so nervous before dating?

Dear Reader,

Pre-date anxiety can feel so uncomfortable. You may even dread dates because of it. I’m glad you’re seeking out ways to feel less nervous, since this anxiety can get in the way of making new connections. Ali and I have some insights to help answer your question and questions that we frequently get from our own clients.

Is It Bad To Feel Anxious Before A Date?

“Anxiety before a date is a very common human response to uncertainty, vulnerability, and the possibility of connection or even rejection,” Ali shared

Dating requires us to let ourselves be seen by someone new and experience someone else for the first time! It can feel daunting and unpredictable. Whether you’re hoping for a casual connection, a long-term partner, or simply a fun night, the stakes can feel emotionally significant. 

Rather than seeing pre-date anxiety as a sign that something is wrong, it can be helpful to recognize it as a natural response to doing something that is unfamiliar and new. 

Quick tip: To ease your nerves and lessen unfamiliarity, propose a location that you’re already comfortable and familiar with. And choose a time of day when you tend to feel most refreshed!

What Are People Usually Anxious About?

While everyone’s experience is different, dating anxiety tends to revolve around fears of judgment, rejection, or not being “good enough.” Ali reminds us that sometimes the anxiety isn’t really about the date itself. The anxiety might actually be related to past heartbreak, attachment wounds, rejection, or difficult dating experiences from the past. 

Some people worry about:

• Running out of things to talk about
• Saying the “wrong” thing
• Feeling awkward or uncomfortable
• Whether there will be chemistry
• Whether the other person will find them attractive
• Personal safety concerns
• The possibility of future disappointment
  

What Is My Anxiety Telling Me?

Many people wonder whether their anxiety is a warning sign or simply nerves. Ali encourages people to move away from viewing anxiety as either “good” or “bad.” Instead, “get curious about what the anxiety is trying to communicate,” she says. Sometimes anxiety reflects excitement, anticipation, vulnerability, and newness. Other times it may be alerting you that something feels unsafe, misaligned, or inconsistent with your values.

Instead of automatically assuming that anxiety means you shouldn’t go on the date, ask yourself:

• What specifically am I worried about?
• Does this anxiety feel familiar?
• Is it connected to this person or to past experiences?
• Is my body responding to excitement, fear, or both?
• Do I feel unsafe, or simply unfamiliar?
  

Developing this kind of self-awareness can help you distinguish between normal dating nerves and concerns that deserve closer attention.

How Can I Calm My Anxiety Before a Date?

When anxiety is high, many people try to think their way out of it. But Ali recommends starting with the body instead. “Focus on helping your body feel calm and safe before trying to convince your mind that everything is okay,” she says.

Some helpful regulation tools include:

• Deep breathing exercises (try box breathing)
• Sensory grounding techniques (notice 5 things: something that you can smell, taste, touch, hear, and see)
• Going for a walk or moving your body
• Listening to calming music or hype music (try out both and see which is more helpful!)
• Repeating supportive affirmations (you’ll find some inspo in the next section)
• Talk about the nerves with a friend
• Rage-type in your notes app
  

Sometimes, pre-date anxiety can unfairly focus on personal deficits. After calming your body, you can start easing your mind. Try zooming out and shifting your thoughts to be about the fact that this date involves more than just yourself… (“It takes two to tango” vibes) 

Instead of focusing on “I hope they like me,” try shifting toward “I’m curious whether we’re a good fit for each other.”

This subtle mindset shift can reduce pressure and help you approach the date from a place of curiosity rather than performing.

What Should I Remind Myself Before a Date?

Ali explains, “A successful date isn’t necessarily one that leads to a relationship; it’s one where you showed up as yourself and maybe even learned something valuable in the process.”

Dating culture often sends the message that our value depends on whether someone chooses us. This mindset can make every date feel like a test, a job interview, or an audition. “You don’t need to perform, impress, or prove your worth,” Rose shares.

A first date is simply an opportunity to gather information and notice how you feel around another person. Some reminders that may help:

• My worth and value are not determined by this person or this date.
• Compatibility is mutual. We’re not all compatible. That’s okay.
• I am evaluating them, too.
• Connection takes time.
• A successful date is one where I showed up as myself. It’s not about their opinion of me.
• We don’t have to mesh.
• I can leave when I want to.
• I’m feeling nervous because my romantic life is important to me
  

Rose shares a helpful reminder: “Anxiety doesn’t necessarily mean you’re doing something wrong or that you need to stop the feeling. It may simply mean that you are learning something new about yourself and engaging in something meaningful.”

A Therapist Can Help You Navigate Dating

If you’re looking for extra support, we’ve got a team of therapists and coaches who can provide the tools and space to explore this further. All of our offerings are affirming of neurodiversity and multicultural identities, are affirming of sex and non-traditional relationship structures, and are supportive of queer and trans identities.

You can connect with one of our therapists or coaches using our intake form. We offer individual and relationship support. In addition, check back regularly for support group openings where you can be in community while healing. 

Have questions for a therapist? Want to see it answered in our Ask A Therapist column? Submit your question here!

Picture Credit: Bottoms