Happy holidays from The Expansive Group to you and yours! 

As queer folks, this time of year can make us feel like we need to shrink—whether it’s to keep the peace, avoid conflict, or maintain a certain harmony. And while that can be tempting (and often feels like the easiest choice), it can also be deeply draining to hide parts of ourselves or stay quiet about who we are and what we believe.

Is it possible to find a balance between protecting our boundaries and showing up authentically? I think so. While it can be a tricky balance, offering yourself this kindness will be a gift to you and your nervous system. Today, we’re going to explore what that can look like as we head into the Holidays.

Before You Get There Take Care Of Yourself 

A reminder: taking care of yourself is what matters most. You can’t always protect your peace in every situation and sometimes the safest, healthiest choice is to step away. If that’s what you need, we fully support you.

Power Up Before You Head Home

The most nourished version of you (well fed, well rested, and well loved) will have the largest window of tolerance, i.e. the state in which you’re most able to navigate stress or pressure without it overwhelming you.

Before heading home, try to make sure your social, emotional, and physical battery is well charged. This can look like prepping yourself with a good meal, drinking water, moving your body, getting a good night’s rest, and/or perhaps even taking the time to connect with dear friends and chosen family. 

Communicate Your Needs and Expectations

This next tip is for those who are out to their family members, or certain select members. 

Please note, you have the agency and choice in what you grant others to know about you and your day-to-day life. To know you is an honor and a privilege, and while biofamily may be related to you – you get to practice your own discernment with who you want to invest energy and time into knowing more about you. You can share and you don’t have to. It’s up to you! 

With all that being said, should you wish to disclose: let your family know what you need and what’s going to make you feel most comfortable while at home. This could look like sharing (and resharing) your pronouns, your name, any preferred language, any dietary restrictions etc.

Set Your Boundaries Ahead of Time 

If there is a world where family is not able to meet your expectations, you are allowed to let them know how this makes you feel. While these language guidelines may seem obvious to you, they’ll be important to share with family in advance (even if you’ve told them your preferences in the past) as, unfortunately, we can’t assume that they know or remember our triggers. 

Amidst your family, who has earned your sense of trust and safety?Who are you willing to practice this kind of vulnerability with? 

Again, there is nothing wrong with practicing discernment when it’s in your best interest. If family is not using your desired language, you’re allowed to remove yourself: step out, take a break, or leave, it is okay to do so. 

Plan for Triggers and Create a Care Plan 

To equip yourself best, it could be helpful to think ahead of time of potential triggers: 

• What might happen? 
• What’s happened in the past? 
• How has that made me feel? 
• What helped me feel better?  

Doing so allows you to have a guideline for what is okay and not okay for you and allows you to plan for moments when you’re not feeling well and what to offer yourself in regards to care and regulating your nervous system. 

If and when you do get triggered, it could be supportive to take a moment to pause and take a moment to yourself – that can look like taking refuge in a nearby bathroom, a closet, a bedroom, etc. 

Practices like box breathing, engaging your senses (naming 5 things you see, 4 things you can touch, 3 things you can hear, 2 things you can smell, one thing you can taste), paired muscle relaxation, or even a short bit of exercise such as jumping jacks could be supportive. It could also look like taking a walk, calling a friend, hugging an ally, hiding in a closet (pun intended), having your car keys ready to go... listen, your holiday, your choice. 

Have an Exit Strategy 

We’re approaching this holiday visit knowing that things may get a bit stressful and that there may be triggers. And you know what? You can give yourself permission to leave if you need to leave. No matter what people are going to think about it, and no matter if people are going to be upset. 

So just in case, think of plausible ways to exit. Do you have access to a car? A ride from a friend? Could you text a friend a code word to call you amidst it all? Should things get bad, a code word could work as your time-sensitive signal – once you send your code word, a friend can call, allowing you an excuse to step outside and take a breather “on the phone.” Truly, your emotional, physical, spiritual safety is of the utmost importance. 

You Don’t Have to Carry Everything Alone This Holiday

Lean on Your Chosen Family for Grounding and Emotional Support

Would one of your loved ones be available for a phone call as you drive up to your childhood home? Could someone be available for those ‘omg this just happened’ or ‘ugh, seeing my childhood bedroom makes me feel…’ texts during your stay?

Allowing for these phone-a-friend moments grants your system the grounding notion of, “okay – yes some shit might be going down right now and perhaps I’m triggered.. and I am not alone in this.”

Another option, should your family consent: Bring a loved one along with you for the visit. Should you ever find yourself upset or triggered, you can pull them aside for a hug, a meaningful squeeze of the hand, or a whole venting session in the hallway away from it all. 

‍The holiday season has arrived, and many a queer folk may be pulled to visit their family and hometown of origin. For some, this time of year is sweet and cozy… but for many, it can feel murkier, depending on the relationships, spaces, and dynamics we’re moving through.

When you’re home, you may even have some members of your biofamily that you feel safer with. Once you get there and settle in, you may want to have a conversation with them about how you’re feeling. And if you feel particularly close with them, expressing your need – “hey can you hang with me? I’m going to feel a lot better if you’re in the room with me.” 

If Home Isn’t Safe This Year, You’re Allowed to Opt Out

If you know in your heart of hearts that you don’t have it in you to visit your blood relatives, know that you can choose to spend this season with your chosen family, ask to join the celebrations of safer folks in your community, or even spend the day volunteering and building new connections while engaging in something that nourishes your soul. 

There is nothing wrong with not spending time with your bio family if you deem that that would not be supportive for you at this time (and indeed, if it would prove more harmful!). Sometimes, chosen family or newer, gentler connections are all we have. 

Give so much compassion and love to the tender parts of you that crave connection with and from your bio fam this season. Know that there are alternative options at the ready for you and, while this season may bring up so much, there are kinder, safer options available for you when you need them. 

Looking for Support this Season? We’re Here for You. 

We’re wishing you and yours an easeful and joyful holiday. If you find yourself needing some extra support this season, know that a therapist or coach can help provide even more tools and space to explore all that family and the holidays can bring up. All of our offerings are affirming of neurodiversity and multicultural identities, are affirming of sex and non-traditional relationship structures, and are supportive of queer and trans identities.

You can connect with one of our therapists or coaches using our intake form. We offer individual and relationship support. In addition, check back regularly for support group openings where you can be in a community while healing.

Photo Credit: Pariah