One of the deficits of a culture that hides away the grieving process is the misconception that we’re meant to or even capable of “healing” the human-sized (and sometimes pet-sized) hole that now exists in the grieving person. Unless you have supernatural abilities and can literally bring someone back from the dead, nothing you say or do can “fix” the feelings that are coming up. That’s no fault of yours, it’s simply the nature of grief. 

As someone who lost a parent at a young age, there are only a few years of my life that have not been colored by grief. As a result I have seen the range in how people attempt to support others through their grieving process. Below you will find a short list of steps you can follow if you find yourself wanting to connect with someone through their grief. 

Three Essential Steps of Supporting Someone in Grief

Step one: Acknowledge the fact that you will not be able to take away the pain of the grieving person. As well meaning as this desire is, attempts to do this can actually feel dismissive to the weight of what this person may be feeling. When you’re able to sit with your own discomfort that someone you love is in pain, you are closer to being able to be genuinely present with the emotions they are experiencing. 

Step two: Get curious, and actively listen. Once you’ve taken the pressure off yourself of being able to “heal” a grieving person on your own, you’re able to begin the emotional excavation process. This step starts with yourself. Hearing someone contemplate the fragility of life, where a person’s soul may go, or distress about what is going to happen to the body of a loved one is extremely challenging. The urge to fix and say things like, “they’re in a better place” or “you’ll see them in heaven” is completely normal, but may I direct you back to step one. 

More often than not, a person in these intense feelings of grief aren’t looking for all of the answers, they’re simply trying to wade through the muddy waters of their own thoughts and feelings. As tempting as it is to put a bandaid on the wounds they are exposing by saying things of this nature, it can feel extremely dismissive to the grieving person. 

Step three: Ask questions. This is an extremely powerful tool that is very under utilized. Of course it is important to be mindful of the ebbs and flows of the grieving person's emotional states. You can do this by taking a moment to read the room and determine when is the right time to ask these kinds of questions. 

When a person loses a loved one, there is an unconscious pressure they may put on themselves to keep the essence of that person alive. They exist in one body, but it can feel like two souls now share their vessel. With that can come feelings of guilt, or a heaviness that they must now share the memories, values, likes and dislikes of this deceased person. And yet nothing can make a person feel like they’re dropping a 500 pound anvil into a conversation like unpromptedly bringing up someone who died. 

When you make a point to gently invite someone grieving to talk about their loved one, you are not ruining a moment. You are not “making them sad.” They ARE sad. They live with that feeling daily. By asking questions about that person you are not only showing them that you acknowledge the weight of their loss, but that you care enough to help them carry it.

It’s in these intimate conversations that the person who has passed gets to continue living, if only for a moment.

Common Questions About How to Help Someone Who Is Grieving:

What should I do if they don’t want to talk?

One way you can do your best to avoid this is to offer lots of check-ins throughout your conversations. Things like, “Would you mind if I ask about..” or “It’s okay if you don’t feel up for chatting right now, but I was wondering..” By starting conversations in a soft and curious way, you’re creating an environment where the grieving person can feel comfortable rejecting your bid for connection without worrying about hurting your feelings. 

Is it okay to ask questions about the person who died?

This is going to feel different for each person, as the context of a person’s death can make discussing it more or less challenging. We all respond to grief differently, and for some folks it may feel super painful to remember their loved ones. On the contrary lots of people feel extremely isolated in their grief, and crave deeply to share about the person they are missing. In any case it’s always a good idea to start casual and low stakes.

Do’s: 

• I just saw this movie that reminded me of you/the deceased person. Do you know their favorite movie or have any fond memories seeing a movie with them? 
• I love getting to know *deceased persons name* through your stories. I’d love to hear more about their sense of humour. 

The idea here is to invite them to share as much or as little as they want to about their loved one. Your questions act as a jumping off point or a prompt, no need to stress yourself out or overcomplicate this!

Dont's:

• I can’t imagine what you’re going through, I love my Mom so much. How are you even coping with a loss like that?
• Do you remember their voice? What about their smell? I wouldn’t be able to cope with never speaking to my brother again.

If conversations naturally evolve into a more existential direction, great! But generally a good rule of thumb is to allow the grieving person to guide how deep these discussions go, and offer moments of reassurance throughout that let the person know that they can end the conversation at any time. 

What if I say the wrong thing?

Getting comfortable with this possibility is extremely helpful as everyone experiences their grief differently. The person grieving has a lot that they are processing, so it’s best to not put too much pressure on them to reassure you that you didn’t upset them. Instead, try your best not to take their responses personally while still holding in mind the feedback they’ve given you. 

Whether you’re supporting someone who is in immediate grief, or someone who is living with long term loss- the devastation echoes just the same. 

Bringing attention to the pain that someone is experiencing can act like a light in the darkness of their grief. It doesn’t mean you’re going to heal the wounds, but they will feel less alone while they integrate their new reality. 

‍Additional Resources for Supporting Someone Who Is Grieving

Book: What My Bones Know By Stefanie Foo

Shows: The OA, This is Us

Social Media Accounts: The Grief Case, Geloyconcepcion, and my personal TikTok & Instagram where I speak extensively about grief

Looking for Support this Season? The Expansive Group is Here for You. 

If you find yourself needing some extra support, know that a therapist or coach can help provide even more tools and space to explore all that family and the holidays can bring up. All of our offerings are affirming of neurodiversity and multicultural identities, sex and non-traditional relationship structures, and are supportive of queer and trans identities.

You can connect with one of our therapists or coaches using our intake form. We offer individual and relationship support. In addition, check back regularly for support group openings where you can be in a community while healing.

Picture Credit:The OA By Brit Marling and Zal Batmanglij