What Does Pleasure Beyond Sex Look Like?
Your erotic self is living inside you. All you have to do is look a little closer.
In this month’s Ask a Therapist, we’ll share ways to cultivate eroticism as a relationship with yourself, especially on a holiday that centers couples, consumerism, and comparison. This is an expansive self-pleasure guide for you to use at any time. Please note that the responses on our blog segment “Ask A Therapist” are not therapy, medical advice, or crisis management.
What is Eroticism?
If you ask the Merriam-Webster dictionary, she’ll tell you that eroticism is “an erotic theme or quality… a state of sexual arousal… insistent sexual impulse or desire.”
As a queer sex and relationship therapist, I’m not very satisfied with that answer. There's a lot more to eroticism and authors like Audre Lorde help us expand what eroticism means.
I see eroticism as the act of engaging with places, people, thoughts, or things that bring you closer to your pleasure, your sense of self, and your sensuality. It’s the act of engaging in experiences that make you feel free and most like yourself. In a way, exploring your eroticism is self-flirtation. It can be quiet, playful, messy, silly, exciting, or mundane, and sometimes all of the above.
Eroticism lives in your senses. You can use your senses to connect with things that you already coexist with in your daily life. You don’t need a partner, body, mood, or skill set to access it. There is so much to smell and taste and touch and see and listen to. You’re alive… might as well feel it all.
Why Would Someone Want To Find Their Erotic Self?
Eroticism is a reminder that we are connected to more than just ourselves. We are connected to the grass outside our house, the fabrics we drape over our body in the morning, the flavors of the food on our tongue.
Connecting with your erotic self isn’t just about sex—it’s about pleasure, curiosity, and self-knowledge. When you explore your eroticism, you gain a clearer understanding of what you enjoy, what excites you, what you want to try, and what doesn’t feel good for you. That self-awareness often extends far beyond the bedroom.
Tuning into your erotic self can help you experience more pleasure in all aspects of life, from creativity and connection to rest and joy. For people who tend to move quickly or live in their heads, erotic exploration can be a way to slow down, reconnect with the body, and find delight in small, everyday moments. It’s an invitation to be more present, more curious, and more alive. SO how does one find it….
Ways To Connect With Your Erotic Self
Eroticism is about presence. Slow down and let yourself notice the sensations:
- Add essential oils to your shea butter and take your time rubbing it into your hands, your shoulders, or any other part of your body
- Smell the flowers you walk passed
- Add extra butter and cinnamon on your toast
- Have dim lighting options in your home (lamps, candles, salt lamps)
- Massage your body with a smooth rock (neck, hands, shoulders, calves, thighs)
- Close your eyes and listen to music without multitasking
- Take a slower shower, as if you have nowhere else to be and nothing else to do
- Go on a walk or sit at the park with a friend and a bottle of bubbles (I promise, it’s fun)
- Do a solo boudoir photo shoot in your bedroom. If you’re both comfortable, ask a friend to take them for you.
- Massage your scalp
- Collect flowers on your walk and press them into a book
Find Your Erotic Tools With These Questions
Eroticism shifts day to day. Instead of asking, “What should I want?” ask yourself “What do I want right now?”
- What texture do I want to feel today? (wool, silk, denim)
- What scents feel grounding or exciting? (orange and cinnamon, eucalyptus)
- What visuals will help me connect with my pleasure? (Sade’s music videos, candlelight, soft colors)
- What flavors or foods am I craving? (cherry and dark chocolate, salty popcorn, warm soup)
- What pace feels right? (stillness, slowness, rhythmic dancing, spontaneous tasks)
Poetry Can Help Expand The Ways You Feel The World
Poetry gives language to sensation, longing, and creativity. If you’re not sure how to access eroticism, borrow someone else’s words and notice what comes up for you.
Here are some poet’s Instagram accounts:
“...the erotic is so feared, and so often relegated to the bedroom alone, when it is recognized at all. For once we begin to feel deeply all the aspects of our lives, we begin to demand from ourselves and from our life-pursuits that they feel in accordance with that joy which we know ourselves to be capable of.”
—Audre Lorde, “Uses of the Erotic: The Erotic as Power”
If you’re looking for extra support, we’ve got a team of therapists and coaches who can provide the tools and space to explore this further. All of our offerings are affirming of neurodiversity and multicultural identities, are affirming of sex and non-traditional relationship structures, and are supportive of queer and trans identities.
You can connect with one of our therapists or coaches using our intake form. We offer individual and relationship support. In addition, check back regularly for support group openings where you can be in community while healing.
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Picture Credit: Killing Eve