In this month’s Ask a Therapist, we’ll share questions and reflections to ask yourself before, during, and after your therapy consultation. Please note that the responses on our blog segment “Ask A Therapist” are not therapy, medical advice, or crisis management.  

One of the hardest parts of starting therapy is actually finding a therapist—especially when you’re hoping to work with someone who truly understands your identities and lived experience. The search can feel vulnerable and high-stakes. But what many people don’t realize is that you don’t have to commit blindly. You get to ask questions. You get to feel it out. You get to try.

That’s where consultations come in. When you’re browsing therapist profiles, you might see something like “Free 15-Minute Consultation.” This isn’t just a scheduling formality—it’s an intentional space for you to gather information, sense the dynamic, and notice how it feels to be in conversation together. It’s an opportunity for both of you to explore whether your personalities mesh and whether their specialties align with what you’re hoping to work on. In this article we’re going to explore what you ask a potential therapist to see if they’d be a good fit. 

There’s More To a Therapist than Their Credentials

While it’s helpful and important to know a therapist’s educational background and credentialing, there’s a lot more to what makes a therapist a right fit for you.

You’ll ideally feel open, rather than restricted, and safe, rather than guarded. Before you decide on what questions you want to ask your therapist, there are some questions you’ll want to ask yourself.

Questions to Ask Yourself Before a Therapy Consultation

• What am I hoping therapy will help me with right now? Symptom relief? Relationship support? Coping tools? Processing trauma? Sexual exploration? Identity exploration?

• Do I want structure or space? Some people love homework, tools, and clear goals. Others prefer having space to openly talk, feel, and explore. There isn’t a right or wrong. 

• How do I prefer my therapist to present themselves? Do I want a therapist who is warm, expressive, and conversational? Or do I prefer someone who is neutral and calm, with more of a poker-face presence?

• Am I looking for a therapist who challenges me or a therapist who listens and validates? Sometimes what you really want is someone to finally just listen to you without giving their input. And sometimes what you really want is someone who will gently question and gently push back. Which are you looking for right now?

• Is there a specific therapy framework I want my therapist to use?
  
  • There’s lots of therapy styles, like Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, Internal Family Systems, and Relational Therapy. 
  • Here’s some information about different therapy approaches. 
  • Here’s a guide to help you discover what style of therapy might be the best fit for you.

• Are there any identities or experiences you want your therapist to deeply understand?
  
  • Queerness, transness, non-monogamy, kink, race, ethnicity, religion, disability, neurodivergence?
  • Do you want your therapist to have professional or personal experience with any of these things?

• What has and hasn’t worked for me in my past therapy?
  
  • If you’ve been in therapy before, reflect on what you did and didn’t like about those experiences. 
  • Did you feel too rushed? Was there too much talking and intellectualizing? Did it feel like you were just venting and nothing else was happening? Did your therapist share too many opinions and stories? You can share this in your therapy consultation.

If you’ve never gone to therapy, it may be harder to answer all the questions I listed above and that’s totally okay. You can go into this consultation with little or no questions or preferences and let the therapist ask the questions instead. 

Questions You Can Ask a Therapist in a Consultation

Here’s a long and detailed list so that you can pick and choose what matters to you.

Approach & Style

• How would you describe your therapy style?
• How active are you in a session? Do you tend to ask questions and guide the conversation? Or do you tend to listen and reflect?
• Will you give me feedback and challenge me when you notice patterns?
• How do you balance talking and processing with practical tools?

Queer-Affirming & Sex-Positive Care

• What experience do you have working with LGBTQ+ clients?
• How do you approach topics like sexual desire, kink, and polyamory?
• What does “sex-positive” or “affirming” mean in your practice? (You may ask this based on words that they mention in their therapy profile.)
• How do you handle mistakes or hurt feelings that might happen during our sessions?

This section can be replaced with any marginalized identities and stigmatized topics that you want to focus on.

Trauma & Safety

• What’s your approach to trauma and nervous system regulation?
• How do you pace overwhelming sessions?
• What do you do if I feel shut down or overwhelmed in a session?

Logistics & Expectation?

• Do you use therapy goals?
• How do you gauge progress?
• How often would you recommend we meet?
• What’s your session rate, cancellation fee, and form of communication between sessions?
• Do you take my insurance? 

Notice How You Felt During the Conversation

This consultation probably involved a bunch of talking and information. But I’d love for you to notice how you felt while you were talking to them. Did you feel rushed or calm? Did you feel a power dynamic, or did it feel equal? Did it feel formal or conversational? 

There may end up being some trial-and-error. If some time has passed and things aren’t meshing with your current therapist, you’re allowed to find a new one! Therapy is an intimate, and often longterm, relationship. It’s worth choosing a therapist thoughtfully. Consultations aren’t a test for you or the therapist to prove anything to each other. You are simply two people who are looking to see if the credentials and the vibe are the right fit.

One of the hardest parts of starting therapy is actually finding a therapist—especially when you’re hoping to work with someone who truly understands your identities and lived experience. The search can feel vulnerable and high-stakes. But what many people don’t realize is that you don’t have to commit blindly. You get to ask questions. You get to feel it out. You get to try.

Our practice offers 15 minute free consultation sessions with any of our therapists. You can explore all of our clinicians here. All of our offerings are affirming of neurodiversity and multicultural identities, are affirming of sex and non-traditional relationship structures, and are supportive of queer and trans identities.

You can connect with one of our therapists or coaches using our intake form. We offer individual and relationship support. In addition, check back regularly for support group openings where you can be in community while healing. 

Have questions for a therapist? Want to see it answered in our Ask A Therapist column? Submit your question here!

‍Picture Credit: Couples Therapy