In this month’s Ask a Therapist, we’re joined by The Expansive Group therapist and coach Deepa Saharia, LMSW (They/She). Please note that the responses on our blog segment “Ask A Therapist” are not therapy, medical advice, or crisis management.  

Shame: it can feel intense and subtle at the same time. When shame is present, it can creep into various aspects of your life. It can disguise itself as perfectionism, people-pleasing, self-criticism, avoidance, or feeling like you have to earn love before you’re worthy of it. Rather than having a more self-compassionate thought of “I made a mistake,” shame can sound like “There’s something wrong with me.” 

No matter your background and identities, shame is likely something you’ve experienced. Who you are and how you’re perceived in the world can impact what you feel ashamed about. For example, navigating an ableist, queerphobic, elitist society can create an added layer of shame for people who have low access to money, are disabled, or are queer.

It can take time discovering that shame is happening in your life. Once you do notice it, it’s tough to know what to do next. Deepa, a staff therapist at The Expansive Group, shares insights about what shame is and what to do about it.

What Is Shame?

According to Deepa, shame is something many of us carry every day, whether we recognize it or not. “It might show up as a quiet voice, as an overwhelming sensation, or even a judgment that someone says out loud,” Deepa explains. For many people, especially those raised in religious, immigrant, and/or BIPOC households, it may sound like familiar messages such as, “What will people think?”

People aren’t born with shame; it develops over time. It grows from experiences of rejection, punishment, exclusion, and criticism. These experiences can happen within our families, schools, workplaces, religious communities, or legal and historical systems of oppression.

Shame can teach us that belonging is conditional—that we’ll only be accepted if we become more compliant and stick to what’s expected of us.

How To Identify Shame

We can identify shame by noticing our body responses, our internal dialogue, and how we interact with others. When experiencing shame you might:

• Feel hot, tense, or frozen
• Want to disappear or hide
• Become overly apologetic
• Feel an urge to run away or withdraw
• Become intensely self-critical after making a mistake
• Feel like you’re “too much” or “not enough”

Deepa encourages people to slow down and become curious about what they’re experiencing rather than immediately trying to push it away. She suggests asking yourself:

• Where do I feel this in my body?
• How old do I feel right now?
• How old does the voice of shame sound?
• What is that voice saying?
• Do I actually agree with what it’s telling me?

These questions can help separate your self-assured, grounded self from the messages you’ve absorbed throughout your life.

Guilt Is Different Than Shame

Although they’re often used interchangeably, guilt and shame are different experiences. Guilt says: “I did something that doesn’t align with my values or the values of the people around me.” Shame says: “I am bad and wrong.”

Guilt can actually be useful. It can encourage reflection, repair, accountability, and growth when you’ve hurt someone. It can help you notice when you’ve done something that doesn’t align with your values. Shame, on the other hand, criticizes who you are rather than what you did. Instead of motivating change, shame can lead us to hiding, disconnecting, or believing we’re undeserving of love and belonging.

Feeling Shame Around Your Queer Identity

For many LGBTQ+ people, shame isn’t created by being queer—it’s created by living in environments that treat queerness as something to change and hide. Growing up with homophobia, transphobia, racism, ableism, sexism, or judgemental cultural and religious expectations can teach us that certain parts of ourselves are unacceptable to others. Even if those messages are never spoken directly, we absorb them through jokes, media, laws, family dynamics, and social expectations. You’ll sometimes hear this called internalized stigma or internalized queerphobia.

The result is that you may intellectually know your identity is valid while emotionally feeling embarrassed, guilty, or afraid of being fully seen. It makes sense to feel this way when you’ve existed in environments where being yourself didn’t always feel safe.

One way to counteract this is to spend more time in spaces where your identity is celebrated rather than tolerated or judged. While in-person social connections are extra helpful, following queer social media accounts or meeting with a queer therapist who celebrates and normalizes queerness can help alleviate shame. 

‍Addressing Shame in Therapy

The way a therapist approaches shame can depend on the therapy style(s) they use. Deepa’s therapy approach starts with viewing shame as something that tries to protect us. “Most of us feel shame as an alar m bell to protect us from rejection or isolation,” she says. 

Rather than immediately analyzing where shame comes from, Deepa first helps clients reconnect with something deeper: their inherent worth. “You and I are worthy of connection. Period,” she says. “We are imperfect and complex creatures… And within all of that we are worthy of connection.”

Once clients begin to feel more grounded in their sense-of-self, they encourage them to ask bigger questions:

• Who taught me this shame?
• Who benefits from me believing this?
• What legacies or systems is this shame trying to uphold?
• Do these beliefs still align with the person I want to become?

These questions shift the focus away from “What’s wrong with me?” and moves toward “Where did I learn this?”

Transform Your Shame Into Self-Connection

If you’re looking for extra support, we’ve got a team of therapists and coaches who can provide the tools and space to explore this further. All of our offerings are affirming of neurodiversity and multicultural identities, are affirming of sex and non-traditional relationship structures, and are supportive of queer and trans identities.

You can connect with one of our therapists or coaches using our intake form. We offer individual and relationship support. In addition, check back regularly for support group openings where you can be in community while healing. 

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Picture Credit: Moonlight