In this month’s Ask a Therapist, we’re joined by The Expansive Group therapist and coach Kamil Lewis (she/her), who shares insights about how partners can navigate differences in sexual priorities. Please note that the responses on our blog segment “Ask A Therapist” are not therapy, medical advice, or crisis management.  

A reader reached out with a question:

I deeply love my partner and he deeply loves me as well, we’re just not really able to have sex. Sex is a huge aspect for me cause it’s something that makes me feel wanted while it’s not really important for him. After a huge chat (we’re capable of talking about everything with no issues) he told me that he deeply loves me but he struggles to find me sexually attractive. How can we solve this ‘issue’? 

Dear Reader,

I can imagine that this situation is feeling very difficult and confusing. To hear that your partner loves you deeply but struggles with sexual attraction can spark some intense feelings around your sense of desirability, belonging, and worth. At the same time, the fact that you and your partner are able to have honest conversations about it is an important part of working through this together. That is special! Still, love and communication don’t automatically solve sexual differences.

Some Partners Value Sex Differently

One important element of your situation is that you and your partner seem to place different levels of importance on sex in the relationship. This could be for a range of reasons, like low desire, low attraction, or asexuality.

Our Staff Therapist, Kamil, shares that, when partners are misaligned about sex, several emotional complications can show up. Feelings of insecurity, jealousy, or inadequacy can arise, especially for the partner who places a higher value on sexual connection.

Someone in your position might find themselves wondering things like: “If you’ve always felt this way, have you just been hating sex with me this whole time?” or “You said you experimented with exes… what did they have that I don’t?” Kamil notes that these kinds of questions often come from a place of hurt and comparison rather than genuine curiosity.

Resentment can also build in both directions. One partner might think, “I told you how I felt about sex, so why does this keep coming up?” while the other might feel blindsided by the timing of the disclosure, thinking, “Why didn’t you tell me earlier, when leaving would have been easier?”

These competing emotions can gradually turn into larger relationship conflicts that start to feel unworkable if they aren’t addressed directly.

Can Relationships Survive Without Sexual Attraction?

Long story short: sometimes.

Kamil shares that whether a relationship can work without sexual attraction really depends on what each partner values most in their connection. There are lots of ways to experience intimacy and connection with a partner.

For many people, sex is a central way they experience intimacy, desire, and affirmation. For others, emotional closeness, companionship, shared values, or intellectual connection carry more weight.

Kamil explains that “If folks can discover ways to feel uniquely connected without sex as a primary component of the relationship, it could work.” 

But that doesn’t mean sexual needs should be minimized. If sex is a primary way you feel wanted and desired, that’s a legitimate relational need. It’s not superficial or trivial for this to be something that deeply matters to you.

One of the real questions is whether your relationship can hold both partners’ realities without one person consistently sacrificing something essential to them. (Oof!)

Questions to Ask Yourself

Before trying to handle this situation together, it can be helpful to step back and explore your own internal values and experiences.

Kamil suggests asking yourself these reflective questions:

• If nothing were to change about our sex life, is this a relationship I could see myself in long-term?
• Are there other unmet needs I experience in this relationship?
• In past romantic relationships and/or friendships, how do I typically navigate unmet relational needs?
• How might this reality affect my feelings of self-worth, and could those feelings create other relationship conflicts?
• What would I need to negotiate within myself in order to make this work—and is that worth it?

These questions aren’t about convincing yourself to stay or leave. Instead, they help clarify what you truly need in order to feel fulfilled in your life and in your relationship.

The Hard Truth: Sometimes A Relationship Isn’t Right For Us

One of the most important points Kamil emphasizes is that sexual compatibility is not a trivial issue. “It’s okay if a lack of sexual compatibility ends up being unworkable for you,” she says. “It is that way for many, many people.”

Acknowledging this doesn’t mean you or your partner failed. It doesn’t mean the love wasn’t real or meaningful. It means that relationships sometimes have differences that cannot be shifted.

At the same time, Kamil encourages couples not to assume there is only one correct relationship structure. Dominant cultural narratives often dictate what relationships should look like, but every couple ultimately decides what works for them.

In some cases, partners discover creative ways to meet intimacy needs. In others, they realize that loving each other doesn’t necessarily mean staying together.

Therapy Can Help You Understand What’s Going On

We know therapy is helpful. But, when navigating sex, do we start with individual or couples therapy? 

Because sexual dynamics intersect with things like personal identity, attachment, and past experiences, Kamil recommends that both partners consider individual therapy before jumping into couples therapy. It can be especially helpful to meet with a therapist who specializes in sex therapy.

Individual therapy can help each partner explore their relational patterns, needs, and beliefs about sex. For example, some people grow up internalizing ideas like “happy couples have sex all the time” or “if you don’t satisfy your partner, they’ll find someone else.” Therapy can help unpack where those beliefs came from and whether they still hold true.

Once both partners have some individual support, couples therapy can create a structured space for navigating conflict together. Kamil explains that “Couples therapy could be beneficial in supporting this couple communicating effectively, and providing a space for each person to feel seen and heard.” Sometimes the presence of a therapist makes difficult conversations feel more supportive and productive’re Here For You

If you’re looking for extra support, we’ve got a team of therapists and coaches who can provide the tools and space to explore this further. All of our offerings are affirming of neurodiversity and multicultural identities, are affirming of sex and non-traditional relationship structures, and are supportive of queer and trans identities.

You can connect with one of our therapists or coaches using our intake form. We offer individual and relationship support. In addition, check back regularly for support group openings where you can be in community while healing. 

‍Have questions for a therapist? Want to see it answered in our Ask A Therapist column? Submit your question here!

Picture Credit: Sense 8