Kink is Prehistoric. Your Desires Are Far From Abnormal‍

Humans have had kinky desires for at least as long as we began documenting sex, likely longer. The judgement and stigma came after—most notably after colonialism, which has a pattern of labeling pre-existing decolonial practices as abnormal. It is no wonder many have come to associate their kinky desires with the taboo. 

Psychologists have long since pathologized BDSM and kink, claiming it as “deviant,” “degenerate,” or stemming from brain abnormalities. It wasn't until 2013 that the American Psychiatric Association (APA) removed sadomasochism as a psychological disorder from the diagnostic manual. Even today, it is unfortunately common for clinicians in the mental health space to tell kinky clients they need to clinically treat their desires. 

But kinky desires have never been the problem. The shame and stigma attached to them were learned and they can be unlearned. Understanding that your desires aren’t inherently wrong is one thing; figuring out how to explore, communicate, and navigate them is the next. Let’s do some of that work together! 

Clearing The Kinky Air

Having a kink doesn’t mean there’s something wrong with you, and you don’t need to find a psychological explanation for every desire before you’re allowed to be curious about it.

Kink can bring up a lot of questions: Why does this turn me on? Does this say something about me? Is this connected to my past? Would I actually want to do this, or do I just like fantasizing about it? Sometimes there isn’t one neat explanation for why something turns you on—and you don’t need one in order to explore what the desire means to you.

You also don’t have to act on every kinky desire for it to be valid. Some desires may be exciting precisely because they exist in fantasy, while others might leave you curious about what they could look like in real life. Rather than getting stuck on what a desire says about you or where it came from, consider what about it feels exciting, what your boundaries might be, and what you would need to feel comfortable exploring it.

I am far from the first person to say this, but vanilla folks could learn a thing or two from the kinky world. There is beauty and strength in the foundation that kink is built upon—most importantly, informed and nuanced consent. BDSM asks us to communicate what we want, what we don’t want, and what we might be open to exploring with opportunities to check in and change our minds. People may be surprised by how much deeper sensuality and pleasure can go when the groundwork of safety is thoroughly established through practices like negotiation, safewords, and aftercare. The world of BDSM can be incredibly fulfilling, and there is room for you in it.

Working Through Internalized Kinkphobia

Internalized kink phobia is tricky: it can linger even after we’ve consciously rejected the messages that taught us kink was abnormal in the first place. Even those immersed in the kink scene may feel shame, fear, or discomfort around their desires. 

It might sound like: What does it say about me that I want this? Will my partner think I’m weird? Am I taking this too far? Does enjoying this make me a bad person? You might minimize your desires, avoid talking about them, or feel like you need to justify where they came from before giving yourself permission to explore them.

It certainly doesn’t help that we live in a society where talking openly about sex, pleasure, and desire is still taboo. Many of us end up turning to Reddit threads and obscure blog posts to find community. Research estimates that around 45% of adults are interested in at least one aspect of kink and 35% have engaged in it, yet far fewer of us talk openly about those experiences. And for good reason: being open about kink isn’t always safe when it could affect your relationships, family, or career.

That’s why finding kink-affirming community can be both grounding and important in order to help us grow. Whether that means connecting with other kinky people, seeking out affirming resources, or talking with a kink-affirming therapist, having spaces where your desires aren’t treated as something that needs to be fixed can help you begin unpacking the shame you’ve learned.

Kink Alongside Healing

Ironically given how it used to be considered an illness itself, kink can even be good for your mental health. Positive experiences with BDSM can produce endorphins and relieve stress. Some people with trauma (particularly sexual) report being able to regain control through kink and unlock new uncharted versions of finding pleasure. And when embraced instead of pathologized, play can help trans and gender expansive folks explore their relationship with their own gender and bodies as well as desires that might feel limited in vanilla spaces. 

Finding queer and kinky parts within yourself surely begins with internal self-exploration, but for many, feeling seen by others in those actualized identities helps set them a light. Community—one that truly makes you feel seen, appreciated, and understood—is such a big part of this. But finding the voice and confidence to seek out and build relationships can be daunting. Finding a kink-affirming therapist is a good place to start! 

‍Yes, You Can Talk About Your Kinky Desires With a Therapist

Kink is absolutely something you can talk about in therapy. Maybe you’re working through shame, wondering how to communicate a fantasy to a partner, curious about where a desire comes from, or simply want a space where you can talk openly about an important part of your sexuality without judgment.

Any good therapeutic relationship begins with trust, and that’s especially true when discussing something as intimate as kink. 

In my practice, I might borrow from kink’s own consent practices and introduce a stoplight system: green to keep going, yellow to slow down or pause, and red to stop and ground. Before exploring something vulnerable, we can establish what feels comfortable to discuss, what might be off-limits for now, and how you want to be supported if difficult feelings come up.

From there, kink-affirming therapy can be a space for curiosity rather than judgment. I might ask: What are you curious about when it comes to your desires? How does desire show up in your body? What experiences or memories do you associate with this kink? What feelings come up when you fantasize about it? How do you feel afterward?

The goal isn’t to uncover the “reason” you’re kinky or treat your desires as a symptom that needs to be fixed. It’s to give you room to understand your relationship with desire, work through shame or fear when it comes up, communicate what you want, and decide what—if anything—you’d like to explore.

The Expansive Group Has Kink-Affirming Therapists With Openings

You deserve a therapist you don’t have to censor yourself around. The Expansive Group has kink-affirming therapists with current openings who are ready to talk about desire, fantasy, BDSM, relationships, and everything that can come with them—without assuming your kink is the problem.

If you’d like to work with me specifically, I offer virtual coaching anywhere in the world and therapy in New York. You can schedule a free consultation with me here, or explore The Expansive Group’s other kink-affirming therapists to find the right fit.

Image Credit: Bonding