Ah, the Gender JourneyTM … an adventure indeed. 

If you clicked on this article, chances are you have some questions about your gender. Maybe you've been wondering whether the labels you use still fit, feeling curious about a new identity, or noticing a disconnect between how others see you and how you see yourself. You may be looking for answers or simply trying to make sense of what you're feeling. Trust, I have been there!  

Grappling with gender can feel like navigating a giant, tangled web of questions, where every answer seems to lead to even more questions. Gender is expansive, creating space for a wide range of identities, expressions, and experiences. That expansiveness can also bring uncertainty as you explore what feels most authentic to you—especially when what feels right may shift from season to season, or even day to day.

My personal gender journey has certainly included moments of experimentation like getting a bob haircut or wearing a black Hunger Games t-shirt with neon green suspenders and a matching belt (both awesome by the way).

Recently, I called a friend to talk about our gender journeys and how they have evolved. Very quickly, our conversation turned into a loving reflection on our younger selves and all the ways we've explored, tried new things, abandoned them, and started again. As we reminisced, we noticed a common thread: the pressure we had both put on ourselves to get the gender thing "right." The challenge was that neither of us knew what "right" was supposed to look or feel like. We were trying to find the perfect presentation, one that felt accurate to our experiences and understandable to others, without realizing that gender exploration isn't always about arriving at a final answer.

For many of us, gender is less about finding the "correct" identity and more about allowing ourselves the freedom to be curious about who we are.

Why Gender Feels So Complicated: Understanding Gender Identity and Social Expectations

Exploring gender can feel really intimidating because gender is everywhere, and we interact with it every day—in clothing sections of department stores, designated restrooms, and the way we’re treated at work and school. Unless you’re engaging with queer theory, having the language to describe the complexity of gender can also feel elusive.

From before birth (thank you, gender reveal parties), adults often decide the rules and expectations we’re expected to follow in order to be understood and accepted, based on our presentation, behavior, and attitudes.

Not fitting into the neat binary boxes that Western culture has assigned can be uncomfortable, and it’s normal to feel anger or resentment about being constrained by these boundaries rather than empowered by them. But the truth is, these rules are restrictive for everyone, including cisgender straight people. The idea that it’s “blue for boys” and “pink for girls” doesn’t leave much room for curiosity, creativity, or individual expression.

Questions to Help You Explore Your Gender Identity

• How would you describe masculinity and femininity in your own words? This may bring up ideas about what “appropriate” behavior, clothing, roles, etc. look like according to the gender binary. Remember, socialization and gender norms run deep, and these are perspectives you’ve most likely learned from childhood or your environment. Try to engage with this question without judging your answers.
• What elements of masculinity and femininity resonate with you? Now that more examples of gendered existence are clear, think about which ones you agree with and which ones you don’t. Are there elements you feel particularly connected to? Are there elements that make you uncomfortable?
• Who have you seen express gender in ways that you like? Examples of this could be admiring the way a relative wears a sundress or noticing how an influencer styled a T-shirt. Pay attention to what about their presentation connects with you and how you might like to express yourself.
• What parts of your body feel affirming to your gender? Talking about gender expression is also a conversation about your perception of and relationship with your body. While some parts of your body may feel unaligned with your gender, notice which parts you would want to highlight as affirming. Examples might include wearing a cut-off tank to emphasize strong shoulders or wearing heels to show off your legs and booty.
• What is one area you feel open to playing with? Tackling all of these factors at once can feel overwhelming, so focus on one aspect—shoes, hair, makeup, hobbies, etc.—that is accessible to you right now and try it out. Pay attention to how it makes you feel, and if it doesn’t resonate, try something else!

Navigating Gender Exploration Safely and Finding Support

Sometimes, leaning into gender exploration can feel unsafe. It’s important to consider personal capacity for experimentation while finding safety in diverse, loving and supportive social spaces. Find communities that celebrate, empower and validate gender diversity throughout this process of self-discovery, encouraging you to try new things and holding you softly through the stumbling.

Meeting people who express gender differently than you can be a meaningful part of exploration and self-discovery. This might look like joining a sports league, attending a queer book club, or spending time in communities where diverse expressions of gender are welcomed and celebrated. If in-person spaces aren't accessible to you, creating a gender inspiration Pinterest board or following queer creators, fashion influencers, and artists online can offer new ideas and a sense of connection to broader gender-diverse communities.

Another thing to consider is asking yourself: is my gender tied to my sexuality? They influence each other, of course, but it’s for you to decide whether the way you think about your gender expression or identity is connected to sexuality. More importantly, does exploring in one lead to exploring with the other? The goal is not to have an absolute final answer — simply notice if this question brings up thoughts or reactions and if your curiosity extends beyond sexuality. 

Your Gender Journey Doesn't Need a Final Destination

Remember that it’s a journey! What connects and resonates with your gender now might completely change in the future and that’s okay. You are allowed to change your mind, switch it up, and experiment with new things. 

The cultural pressure of “getting gender right” or “looking gay enough” only focuses on others’ perception of you, rather than turning inward and reflecting on your own perception of yourself. Are you looking towards gender presentation to validate this part of yourself? What would validation feel like? 

Give yourself permission to stumble through and not be in final form. Lean on community while figuring it out and along the way, you may find inspiration, care and resilience. So, wear the neon green suspenders! Thrift a boot with a cute little heel! Paint your nails! Get a cool, new haircut! Discovering your gender is existing in a lifelong state of play. 

Talk to a Therapist About Your Gender! 

If all of these questions feel overwhelming to process on your own, bring the conversation to therapy! I am currently open to working with clients exploring their gender (read more about me here) and The Expansive Group has over 30 queer therapists/coaches who understand the complexity of gender identity and will walk with you through it all.

You can reach out to schedule a free 15 minute call here. All of our offerings are affirming of neurodiversity and multicultural identities, sex and non-traditional relationship structures, and are supportive of queer and trans identities.

Picture Credit: Sex Education